Ashy Ward Wednesday: Sports Gospel According to Jesus, Yim and The Cheeseman

Jesus_Montero and Angry_Ward Ashy Wednesday
Sports Gospel According to…

BRONX, NY – Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Lent among practicing Christians, and even those Christians who prefer to take the Allen Iverson approach to practice… which is most. Thus begins the big lead-up to Easter, not mention all of the pomp and pageantry that comes with the 22-day countdown to the Waffle Taco @ Taco Bell, as Jim Clancy (more on him in a bit) would hasten to remind us. But back to Lent and Easter. For those of you not in the know, if you see a bunch of people walking around today with black crosses on their foreheads, I want to assure that it has nothing to do with Charlie Manson making parole (he’s not going anywhere), but instead it’s part of the whole Ash Wednesday thing, so that folks can remind you just how down they are with J.C. (Not Jim Clancy this time, that would involve wearing a piece of bacon on your forehead or balancing a pint of Blue Moon atop your cranium.). It’s also the beginning of 40-plus days of self-denial, for those that feel like giving something up. An example of this would be Short Matt abstaining from drinking Lent after Lent after Lent. How unimaginative. This year, how about giving up something original, like abject failure? Hmm, might be a good idea for me as well. Anyway, what else can we shoehorn into this day and approaching holiday?

Jesus, you’ve gained weight! (See above left photo) For those that missed it, one-time vaunted Yankee prospect Jesus Montero arrived at Mariners camp 40 pounds overweight, conceding, “After winter ball, all I did was eat.” No kidding, tubs. Apparently no one informed Montero that Fat Tuesday was over, as he continues to piss away any chance at a big league career. Once deemed a blockbuster deal between the Mariners and Yankees, the Michael Pineda for Jesus Montero deal now looks like nothing more than a box of fractured chicken wings for a side of rancid pork. One wonders if Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik knew how funny he was being when he said of Montero: “He’s got a ton to prove. It’s all on him.” And then some. Whatever happens with Montero, he has finally, irrefutably, dismissed John Lennon’s claim that The Beatles are bigger than Jesus.

Pillsbury-Waffle-Taco Jim Clancy as Yim Meet_The_Matts
The Hand of Yim

King of Kings? This is pretty much apropos of nothing, but I gotta say that I am enjoying Cheesy Bruin’s season-long razzing of New York Rangers fans over Henrik Lundqvist. I have nothing against Lundqvist and actually think he’s pretty damn good, but our resident Boston agitator picking the scab of once-again long-suffering Blueshirts fans is pretty hilarious. It’s amazing what that 2011 Stanley Cup did for the Cheeseman’s ego. It wasn’t that long ago that you could find him and Grote going to Sunday mass at St. John’s Catholic Church on Kingsbridge Avenue to pray for the Bruins’ playoff lives. It never worked, believe me. ┬áBut if he keeps up this Lundqvist bashing, one wonders whether some of the Rangers fans here are planning a “Stations of the Crosscheck” on Senor Bruin in the not-too-distant future.

Jim_Clancy of Yim getst it from Mariners fanHappy Birthday, Jim Clancy. While we’re busy talking about all of these pious issues, how about a Warm 51st Birthday greeting to our own Jim Clancy? Who’s Jim Clancy (photo left “getting it” from my fellow Mariners‘ fan)? He’s only the founder of the fastest growing religion around, Yimology. While I may not agree with his teachings on turkey and mashed potatoes I, like so many others, think the guy’s way ahead of his time. Long live my pal Jim and Yim. And, again, don’t forget only 22 short days until Waffle Taco @ Taco Bell.

Look, I had a bunch more to write but one Short Matt has now called me three times in the last 5 minutes. He’s getting his last few drinks in and is rightly drunk dialing me as I have him so many times before. Starting today, the ball is back in my court for almost two months. Just FYI, any Friday that you don’t get a call from Matt is by definition a “Good Friday.” See how I shoehorned that last one in there at the end?

Tune in tomorrow for yet another irreverent and uproarious podcast, Meet The Matts Radio. God help us.

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About Angry Ward 742 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.