Angry Ward Wednesday: All the Sports News You Can Fit in Kim Kardashian’s Butt

Kate, the chick who played Linda Lovelace, and Taylor bond over bad basketball.
Kate, the chick who played Linda Lovelace, and Taylor bond over bad basketball.

BRONX, NY – Lots to cover here today, with much of it concerning the ladies, so let’s get right to it.

Kim Cracks the Internet. For those of you who have been sleeping in a ditch or in a Giants-induced catatonia, human vacancy sign Kim Kardashian attempted to “break the Internet” last week when Paper magazine released a slew of photos of her in various states of undress. Though she didn’t succeed in shutting down the information superhighway, she did manage to get people (myself included) talking about her massive backfield once again. I mean, my God, will you look at that thing? As Nelson Muntz would say, “It should have its own congressman.” Let’s just say that if that butt had been at a Certain Jets/Patriots game in November 2012, Mark Sanchez would no longer be with us. My best guess is that he would have worm-holed his way into an entirely different galaxy. That’s right, I said it, Kim Kardashian’s ass contains billions of stars. It may not have broken the Internet but it did break the likes of Reggie Bush (now a permanent fixture on the weekly injury report) and Kris Humphries (toiling in obscurity in DC). When time and gravity finally get a hold of Ms. K’s backyard we will be looking at a Wall Street like collapse. Kim_Kardashian_tweetsWe just better hope that there’s enough Butt Botox to save us. Either that or someone needs to apologize to Victor Conte and get BALCO up and running again.

Stanford Stops the Streak. Congratulations to the Stanford women’s basketball team who on Monday night ended UConn’s ridiculous 47-game winning streak. Apparently the Cardinal were led by a colorful young woman by the name of Amber Orrange. (Just love that extra “r” in Orrange. Makes you want to hear Tony the Tiger growl that name.) Anyway grrrreat for the Stanford Women. Geno Auriemma and his girls have been bullies for too long. Also, why is Auriemma still coaching in college? Shouldn’t he be a Knicks assistant by now. Speaking of the Knicks.

The Knicks Cure Insomnia. Taylor Swift and Kate Upton were court-side for another stellar Knicks loss last week and over 10,000 grown men didn’t notice, mostly because they were asleep. But, I mean, who would want to subject themselves to a Knicks game? We can only hope that Taylor and Kate were able to shake it off, go out of for nice dinner, and settle down later to a nice tickle fight.

He’s No Saint. But when it comes to women not having fun at a sporting event, you’d be hard-pressed to come up with something worse than what happened to a female Bengals fan in New Orleans last Sunday. My good friend Cheesy Bruin caught this in real time and we backtracked to take another look. Not exactly what you would call gentlemanly behavior. Hopefully the NFL can compensate her by sending her to the next Giants game so Eli can put one on her numbers.

OK, that’s all for me this week. Come back tomorrow for Fake Sandy Alderson/Big Al Sternberg, who thinks the Mets may win it all in 2015.

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About Angry Ward 661 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.