BRONX, NY – The Major League Baseball All-Star Game (the Mariners will have the homefield World Series advantage over the #Mets, as per Mike Trout) was played last night, which means we’re officially deep into summer. If you’re not on vacation lounging on a beach somewhere, chances are you’re stuck inside binge-watching some Netflix series or whatever lackluster pablum regular TV is dishing out, while soaking up the conditioned air. I can still recall some summer days from my youth when I holed up in my bedroom and watched old Gomer Pyle and Munsters reruns while wolfing down Jeno’s Pizza snack trays. Hey, speaking of baseball and old situational comedies (not to mention forced segues), which sitcom does your favorite baseball team most resemble?
New York Mets = Sanford and Son. They play around a bunch of junkyards. Check. A hapless father and son duo own them. Check. Their team offense consists of a bunch of crap no one wants. Check. They insult their fans the way Fred Sanford insults Aunt Esther. Check. Yep, the Mets are definitely Sanford and Son.
Seattle Mariners = Gilligan’s Island. The Mariners have been lost at sea ever since they entered the league back in 1977. That’s right, almost 40 years of water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink. There have been moments when it looked like someone would get them off loser island, only to have that person (Ken Griffey Jr., Alex Rodriguez, Randy Johnson) leave them high and dry. Being a Mariners fan is like being marooned with Ginger and Mary Ann, and ending up bunking with the Skipper night after night after night.
Oakland A’s = Seinfeld. Every year the A’s seem to take a similar path. They start out looking like a lost cause, slowly start to gain their footing, get red hot and become the best team in baseball, and then lay an egg in the playoffs. Seinfeld wasn’t much different. Clunky in the beginning, somehow surviving the network ax as it got better, became best show on TV, and then went and had one of the worst series finales ever. The A’s are, in essence, a team about nothing.
New York Yankees = Diff’rent Strokes. Much like Phillip Drummond did with Arnold and Willis, shipping magnate George Steinbrenner rescued a lost Yankees franchise off the mean streets of New York and showered them with money and expensive toys. Both sets of kids flourished, but Drummond let the glue of his team, Edna Garrett, leave via free agency and Steinbrenner followed suit by jettisoning the likes of Nettles and Chambliss. Eventually the Drummond kids fell into debt and lies and drug abuse and so did quite a few of the Yankees. To this day Alex Rodriguez and Roger Clemens can’t be asked about using steroids without replying, “What you talkin’ ’bout?”
Philadelphia Phillies = Welcome Back Kotter. The Phillies and their fans are like the Sweathogs on angel dust, while the City of Brotherly love reacts to their antics like an affable, wisecracking Gabe Kaplan. This is probably not what the founding fathers had in mind, but somehow it works in Philly. Don’t complain Phillies fans, I could have easily compared your team to Angie or Love Sidney.
Atlanta Braves = Carter Country. What’s that you say? You don’t remember Carter Country? The Georgia-based cop comedy that ran for two glorious seasons on ABC from 1977 to 1979? No? That’s okay, Braves fans have pretty much forgotten that they used to have a decent team. And even when they did have a decent team, they barely bothered to watch them.
Los Angeles Dodgers = Three’s Company. Yeah I know the show was set in San Diego, but it’s more fun using the Dodgers. Like Chrissy Snow, and her blonde replacements Cindy and Terri, the Dodgers are fun to look at but no one really cares about much else. They have some great pitching with Greinke and Kershaw but they could stand to be a little more consistent when it comes to getting some (Janet) Wood on the ball. Their manager, Don Mattingly, skews more Furley than Fell. And Yasiel Puig shows great potential to be another wacky Larry Dallas. However they finish, drinks at the Regal Beagle on our own West Coast Craig.
Okay, that’s all for today folks. Feel free to add your own. C’mon, there’s gotta be a good one for the Cubbies.