Angry Ward Wednesday: Sports Hero… Sandwiches?

Goose chowing down on a Rex. Chomp!

BRONX, NY – Welcome to the middle of the week that no one cares about… except, of course for every week in my doomed birthday month of February. Hope you’ve all got a hankerin’ for sports today, cuz we’re serving up a big ol’ platter of sports heroes for your consumption. Here’s what’s on the menu, with a big tip of the cap to our resident sandwich gourmet, Cheesy Bruin. Bon Appetit!

The Rex Ryan. Shaved pig’s feet and extra tongue slathered in Buffalo hot sauce. A fairly disgusting combo, but I’ll gladly down one if the Bills beat the Jets on Sunday.

Goose chowing down on a Rex. Chomp!
Goose chowing down on a Rex. Chomp!

The Joe Buck. White American cheese on Wonder Bread. That’s it. That’s the sandwich. Unsatisfying? You betcha. Never before has something so bland left such a bad taste in your mouth.

The Steph Curry. Three slices of honey ham, three slices of honey maple turkey, three slices of roast beef, three ripe beefsteak tomato slices, hell… three of anything you want on a roll… a big roll… hold the curry.

The Wilpon. Two lean slices of pastrami on the outside and nothing but wads of useless shredded iceberg lettuce in between. This sandwich may be purchased on layaway. Accompanying pickle, 10 bucks.

The Aroldis Chapman. Fiery habanero and ghost peppers and a whole lot of baloney. A sandwich so aggravating it will make you want to beat up your girlfriend and shoot your gun off six or seven times. The A-Rold, as it’s known, is not to be confused with The A-Rod, which is pure baloney and nothing else.

The JG Clancy. A BLT, hold the L. This is not an option. There’s no L.

The Kobe Bryant. Over-aged Kobe Beef, black mamba black beans, and rape-allegation radishes smothered in sour Shaq sauce. For Zen Masters only.

I'M DELICIOUS, DAMMIT!!!
I’M DELICIOUS, DAMMIT!!!

The Tom Coughlin. Red beets, red peppers, wilted greens, and moldy cheese, all served on a GIANT crusty hero. Not for everyone, and they may be discontinuing it in New York and New Jersey, but there are still those out there that will be seeking it out after the Super Bowl.

The Rugby Wrap Up. Blaber Blood sausage, DJ Eberleafy lettuce, Barberie Coast Cauliflower, crushed nuts, and Vegemite. A taste explosion in your mouth.

The New York Islander. Artisanal Brooklyn fish sticks with Billy Smith breading, Potvin suckling pig, Al Arbour avocado, drenched in special house Wang sauce. Taste the tradition!

The Short Matt. Busted BBQ Ribs, fractured drumsticks, one scoop of shrimp salad with a vertebrae fusion dressing. Fit for those with a discerning palate and precious few teeth.

Happy eating, everyone! Feel free to add your own sports heroes as well.

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About Angry Ward 671 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.