CHEW SPIT, SC – Unfortunately, some of our material didn’t survive the cold New Hampshire winter, as a few Presidential Candidates whimpered home with frostbitten extremities and fr0zen hearts. And with Chris Christie, The Round Mound of Trentown (Trenton doesn’t rhyme) out of the mix, our topic – The Best Athlete of the Presidential Candidates, – has a thinner bench. How’s that for irony! Anywho, here’s what we have for you to consider the next time you cast a ballot.
Hilary Clinton: We know that many of you out there (Sam’s-A-Fan and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson) will argue that #Clinton starring on the Debate Team qualifies as lettering in a varsity sport, but we’re not of that… school. But after an exhausting 45 second search, we did find proof that Hil-Rod was a dancer and good at… gym.
The Donald: Apparently, Donald Trump could have been the first Donnie Baseball. That is, of course, if you consider the accolades coming from his former classmate, Ted Levine, his catcher at the baseball factory that is the New York Military Academy: “He was just the best, a good athlete, a great athlete,” Levine said. “He could have probably played pro ball as a pitcher. I think he threw 80 miles an hour. I was the catcher. #Trump made my hand black and blue every day… Granted, throwing anything over 70 mph is impressive, as people have no clue how hard they are throwing with a “jugs” gun. And some would correctly argue that that “heat” would not cut it in The Bigs, debunking “Black Hand Levine’s Trump prognostications. Heck, Short Matt could at one time get it up to 80 mph, which had most High School hitters frothing at the jowls.
Speaking of jowls, he’s a Then and Now of #ChrisChristie. Nice pants, Slim. You aged well.
Marco Rubio: Moving right along, we have another Presidential Candidate with a hard time fitting into his uniform, Marco Rubio. Known as “Car Doors Ruby” because his enormous, Spock-like ears looked like a 2-door car with its doors open, young #Rubio played Marco, Polo in search of a helmet that would fit over his over-sized listeners. That’s why he was forced to play flag-football against a bunch of fat old white guys.
Bernie Sanders: The Brooklyn kid was no Forrest Gump but he was running long before he ran for office. Profiles say he lettered in cross country at James Madison High School in Brooklyn, where he has said he ran a 4-minute 37-second mile. But his best sport might have been basketball. #Sanders played a lot as a kid and then he and his buddies formed a league when he moved to Vermont. At 6′ he was the center. Suffice to say, they weren’t that good.
Jeb Bush: We don’t really have much to say, other than he – predictably – played… tennis. Let’s us guess, #Jeb – you’re favorite ice cream is soft vanilla…
John Kasich: There is basically zilch out there re “Pope” Kasich. He was a scrawny kid, that loved sports but “… couldn’t crack a Little League squad.” He recalls often how many of his friends made teams coached by their fathers, but got no help from his mailman Dad, “My father saw the situation a bit differently. He said, ‘Johnny, I’m not going to owe anybody anything. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to earn your way on to one of those teams.’”
In other words, #Kasich sucked.
Ted Cruz: We had hoped Teddy Ballgame was a boxer – because he’s got one of those faces just just want to punch. But no dice. Cruz describes reinventing himself in middle school when he was tired of being unpopular. In his book A Time For Truth, he writes, “I refused to play sports as a child. That of course, made me even worse. That mix-excelling in the classroom, being too competitive and cocky about academics and being lousy at sports-was, needless to say, not a recipe for popularity.” But at Second Baptist School in Houston, #Cruz was played varsity soccer and basketball. He also changed his name from “Felito” to “Ted.” THAT explains a lot. We could find no pix of him playing anything.
So, in conclusion we are left with but one choice as The Best Athlete of the Presidential Candidates, and we’ll let them tell you in their own words. In a brief conversation with Business Insider, Trump declined to discuss his high-school sports career on record to avoid bragging. But he did anyway, saying he was the “best athlete.”
Comment below and come back for arguably our least athletic pundit tomorrow, @Different_Matt.