ENGLISHTOWN, NJ – Yesterday was National Prescription Drug Take-Back Day, where citizens are afforded an environmentally responsible way to dispose of various medicines at designated collection sites. For the New York sports fan, I’ll discuss what drugs should not have been thrown away in haste as a remedy for the ills facing their teams.
New York Rangers: The Blueshirts just couldn’t get going as all-world goalie, Henrik Lundqvist, couldn’t stop anything during the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs versus the Penguins. Things got so bad that normal over-the-counter remedies for the team’s constipation and the goalie’s diarrhea were no match for the severity of the sickness. Linzess for the team and Lomotil for “The King”.
New York Knicks: This team and their fan base has been dreadful for quite some time now to the point where checking wrists for a pulse is a necessity. Dr. Cheesy has diagnosed the team with a weakening of the heart muscle and hopes that enough Zinecard wasn’t prematurely disposed of yesterday.
New York Yankees: Bronx Bombers are no more. Aging players, silent bats, and little speed dot the roster so there’s a host of meds the team should be taking. They have forgotten how to pitch and hit so Aricept works for Alzheimers and Naproxen should ease the osteoarthritis afflicting most of the roster. Zoloft all around town for Pinstripes fans as well.
New York Giants: If you watch enough Giants football you get the feeling they suffer from ADHD on both sides of the ball. When they are “dialed in” on offense, defenses have difficulty defending them but staying on task for sixty minutes on game day is a tall order. On defense, they lack attention in defending the pass. Ritalin and Adderall are both banned by the NFL, so the Giants will have to grin and bear their malady on way to another 8-8 or 9-7 record.
New York Islanders: The team has had back-to-back successful 100-point seasons and they’ve given fans a heart murmur or three in the playoffs this year with late-game heroics. How long can the heart take this without effecting blood pressure? Thomas Greiss and John Tavares will be handing out Lopressor to those in need of regulating the HBP (not hit by pitch) they are causing.
Brooklyn Nets: They play in Brooklyn via New Jersey. The Knicks suck but it’s still their town. The best young player in the city, Kristaps Porzingis, plays on the team and yet they are still second best or second worst and does anybody really care? Recycle all the lithium you can to help treat the Nets borderline personality disorder.
New York Mets: Michael Conforto and the youngsters in the pitching rotation are not far removed from their first shave or outbreak of pubescent acne. Hormones and skin irritation can mar a complexion so better save the clindamycin for these rising stars and their marketability.
New York Jets: What is anxiety? The unpleasant emotional state consisting of physiological responses to anticipation of unreal or imagined danger, ostensibly resulting from unrecognized intra-psychic conflict. Yeah, sounds like Jets fans – just ask WFAN’s Joe Benigno. Xanax and Klonipin are to be saved forever and in large supply for the J-E-T-S.
Come back tomorrow for the man that paid for college by testing all the above, West Coast Craig.