NEW YORK, NY – In these times, wherever we turn we are assaulted with horrible news… horrific Facebook posts… useless click-bate… where do we turn? We turn, of course, to sports to ease our minds! We obsess over RBIs, ERAs and Shooting Percentages, instead of Polling Numbers and Dow Jones averages. But these days, those goodies aren’t doing the trick. It could be me – my teams aren’t exactly killing it – but it’s clear that Sports Are Not Providing The Necessary Escape. The sports landscape as a whole is like everything else; a giant let down.
The NBA is in the midst of its showcase event – the NBA Finals – which is a pretty lame name. That’s all they can come up with? Anyway, instead of creating a league with some kind of some kind of parity, the NBA instead relies on refs to prolong the series. And it’s really getting dull watching no one play defense… watching the Cavs play the complete wrong style of ball; um… Kyrie Irving is a point guard. Why is LeBron distributing? So far the NBA finals ranks ZERO on Escape Factor… and for me, the state of my Knicks definitely contributes to that.
MLB: My beloved Metsies are in the midst of a predictable mid-season tailspin. On display is a nearly unwatchable offense that can’t hit the broadside of a barn with runners in scoring position. Despite the occasional home run flash to skew reality, it’s still easy to see the squandering – once again – of perhaps the best starting squad in the bigs. Escape Factor – some Minor Agita but not enough to sway from reality.
NHL: Sidney Crosby hoisted the Cup… I hate those buck teeth and constant whining to the refs. I hate that Hagelin helped him get it. Now I even have to hate Phil Kessel. Escape Factor – ZERO
The NFL: Has been a bore and a joke since about 1999. The only interesting seasons were 2007 and 2011, and only after Thanksgiving. Mini-camp Train-Wreck Manziel and the re-signing drama going on presently aren’t worth mentioning. What do I look like,Mel Kiper? zzzzzzzZERO escape factor…
So what is a poor boy to do these days? Do I sit and pray for a Jonathon Lucroy trade? Watch the Copa America? Hope the Zika outbreak and sewage create a new species of super-human in the Summer Games? Wait… maybe that’s it? Some kind of Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller will dominate the decathlon and then go on to win the swimming events… after eating all his opponents in the following week.
I can’t wait, I have a reason to go on… what are your reasons? Angry Ward tomorrow?