BRONX, NY – Happy 5th of July, everyone! Many moons ago, this was a day my friends and I used to spend scouring our neighborhood streets for unexploded fireworks, back when you could blow sh!t up in the New York without the Feds knocking on your door. It was a noble quest. We’d either crack the still-in-tact firecracker or bottle rocket in half and make what was known as a “genie” or, better yet, painstakingly empty out the powder from each dud and collect it, in an effort to make our own ill-conceived super-bomb in a pill bottle with a homemade fuse. Jason Pierre-Paul didn’t invent pyrotechnic stupidity, y’know. Anyway, in order to celebrate this day, let’s take a look at some real sports duds.
Manny Machado. What the flock happened to this Oriole? The Baltimore third baseman was on track to be an all-star for years to come, and then the Red Sox pitchers decided to start treating him like target practice after he took out Dustin Pedroia on a questionable slide. Anyway, whether he’s playing injured, or his head is all screwed up from bean-ball nightmares, he better figure it out quick. Hitting .215 ain’t gonna cut it.
Washington Nationals Bullpen. The Nats have an offense that can score double digits almost any game… and that still won’t be good enough, because their bullpen is a f***ing joke. I’ve seen stronger holds on the Giants offensive line and better looking saves out at Rockaway Beach. One assumes they will trade for someone with half an arm and some semblance of a brain, but I doubt it will help. Look for Dusty Baker to look clueless, helpless and hapless (his default) as the Nats fail to make it out of the first round of the playoffs.
Tiger Woods. I kinda want to root for Tiger Woods to turn it around but, to paraphrase Don King, the chances are Slim and None, and Slim just left town, Jack. Tiger recently announced that he completed a private and intensive program to help him deal with a prescription pain medication problem. This announcement comes barely a month after police found him asleep at the wheel of his car on Memorial Day. I’m not one to talk, but I don’t think a month is near enough time to put all the pieces of golf’s Humpty Dumpty back together again.
The NBA’s Eastern Conference. The Cavs are still the best team, by a lot. The Celtics just got a decent white player (Boston can’t get enough of decent white players) from the Jazz in Gordon Hayward, but will still lose to the Cavs, and all the rest of the teams in this conference stink worse than Short Matt after eating a pound of hummus. Seriously, if you support any team in the East and pay to see their games in 2017-2018, you’re being had… big time. Spend your money on a hobby instead… even if your hobby is drugs.
The Progressive Liberal. Okay, I’ll leave you with at least one live explosive on July 5th. If you haven’t caught the act of a wrestler known as “The Progressive Liberal,” you really must. He wrestles in some totally obscure D-league in Kentucky, but he really is a genius for figuring out a personality and shtick to rile the decidedly red-leaning crowd. Here are just a few of his bon mots:
“I understand now why you all identify with country music. It’s slow and it’s simple and it’s boring, just like each and every one of you.”
“You know what, I think Bernie Sanders would make a great secretary of state.”
“I want to exchange your bullets for bullet points. Bullet points of knowledge.”
Kudos to you, Dan Richards, and to your glorious grappling creation, The Progressive Liberal.
Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a real live wire with no political aspirations or affiliations.