The Bronx, NY: Last September at Yankee Stadium, a 2-year-old girl was hit by screaming foul ball into into the left field seats off the bat of Todd Frazier. In response, the New York Yankees have added additional netting down both foul lines. While the move was widely lauded, it didn’t please everyone. Some fans complained of obstructed views and the removal of the possibility of catching a foul ball. President Donald Trump has been an outspoken critic of the move. In a prevaricated MTM exclusive, he tells us why:
“I think it’s ridiculous, a total witch hunt. Very sad. It’s just an excuse by the losers and haters in the Yankee front office to distract us from the fact they lost last year. Bigly. I prefer baseball teams who didn’t get shut down in Game 7... It’s my right to watch baseball without nets in the way. If a few children are put at risk to protect my freedom, well that’s the way it goes. Now is not the time to overreact and I have five very unbelievably good reasons for not doing it. They are big time fantastic, okay?“
1. Balls Don’t Hurt People, Batters Hurt People.
“Instead of blaming the ball, an inanimate object, blame it on the hitter. Make these guys hit the ball straight. I used to be a terrific hitter myself, until very painful bone spurs ruined my career. Excruciating. But I hit could hit it straight, why can’t these guys?“
2. Only a Good Guy With a Glove Can Stop a Bad Guy With a Bat.
“We’re going to give out gloves to all the fans at every game. This is a fantastic idea I came up with myself. If I had been at that game, I would have jumped down from my luxury box without a glove to protect that girl. My health is astonishingly excellent, a lot of people don’t know that. And I don’t need a glove because I have very huge hands. Ask anybody. And stupid netting won’t stop a ball that’s hit really hard. Am I right? They should build big beautiful walls down both foul lines and get Los Mets to pay for them.“
3. You can’t stop a determined batter who really wants to hurt someone.
“I’m told the netting won’t go all the way around the stadium. What is there to stop someone from hitting one very hard into the outfield stands? Didn’t the Yankees just buy some guy who hits the ball all the way to China?
They got him for almost nothing from their old pal Crooker Jeter. Someone send Mueller down there. No seriously, can someone get this guy off my back? The Chinese love me, by the way. But this guy Stanton, I think he might be Mexican. What it is Giancarlo now? He used to go by Mike, I’m told. I get along with a lot of Mikes. Nobody likes Mikes more than me. But this Giancarlo, he’s a bad hombre, I know that. I’m the least racist person you’ll ever meet, but a little netting won’t stop that guy.“
4. It’s a mental health issue, not a batted ball issue.
“The guy who hit the ball, Frazier, plays for the Mets now. Is that treasonous, I don’t know, but that’s what people are saying. He’s from New Jersey, where they’re mostly murderers and rapists. I assume there are some good people.“
5. The Yankees should have Vladimir Putin throw out the first pitch.
That one has nothing to do with netting, but Putin loves me. He thinks I’m a very smart man. I’m sure he could throw a fabulous pitch. Maybe shirtless, that would be tremendous. Wayne Lapierre would be a good second choice. Or someone else from the NRA, because that guy is pretty creepy, I’ll be honest.”
Thank you Mr. President. I hope that poor kid is fully recovered. Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, a pretty decent hombre. You can follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.