DENVER, CO – The other day there was a comment on a post that firmly irritated me. Our own resident Ghanaian-American Junoir Blaber asserted that the Summer Olympics are better than the Winter Olympics. I wonder if he knew that Ghana has a man competing in Men’s Skeleton when he said that. Either way, his comments are wrong and anyone who agrees with him is wrong and I can prove it with my misspent logic.
When I think about the Winter Olympics I think about a risqué bit that George Carlin performed years ago. Suffice it to say that even George Carlin couldn’t get away with it in 2018 but the premise is that he asks a more aggressive version of the question, “Is there more lewd sexual crime at the equator or the north pole?”
Logic would state that the equator would have more lewd sexual crime because it’s hot and no one has on any clothes. However, Carlin further postulates that for that reason, it is the North Pole that has more of this crime. All the spouses in igloos refuse to take off their parkas – because it’s freezing – for an extended period and the men lose their minds.
Now let’s apply this to the Olympic Games. In summer, you go take a run. You might ride a bike or take a swim. If you are rich you might even take out your sailboat made of a ridiculous amount of carbon fiber. You might go play some street hoops or inappropriately watch young girls do flips… or touching Larry. You might go shoot guns for fun. You might even go do ten events, win them all, eat your Wheaties, then decide you are a woman forty years later. Then when it starts to cool off just a touch, you decide to call it quits for the year and train indoors… just to hide out until the weather allows you to enjoy your happy self in temperatures of moderation come spring.
Winter Olympians do all the summer activities for training. Then, when the weak-hearted won’t take off their parkas all winter, they trade in their running shoes for skis, skates, sleds, stones and brooms to occupy themselves. This comes in lieu of committing lewd sexual crimes. In fact, I am a firm believer that most Winter Olympic events were developed by men who were sexually deprived and/or drunk.
Take the Nordic combined event. Who thought that a cross-country skiing race should be buttoned up with jumping off a mountain? Curling? Who went on a cruise with their grandma and decided that shuffleboard would be better on ice? Moreover, what summer games can kill you? None really…. What Winter Olympic sport can’t kill you? Each year in Colorado one person dies from a hunting related accident and seven people die skiing. Skiing is seven times more dangerous than drinking beer with guns.
In effect, the Winter Games are a celebration of all the athletes that have overcome their desire to commit unforgivable sexual crimes and in that discourse, have created sports that attempt to equal sexual euphoria via huge amounts of adrenal release. These strong souls have not let their geographic disadvantages or the Earth’s axis tilt dictate their lives. They have decided to make the best of the cruelest of all seasons despite their sexual depravity. Indeed, they embody the American vision of JFK; they chose to do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard. Very hard. And very neglected.
This plight is far more honorable and entertaining than anything that happened or any other summer games.
That’s it for me. Come back tomorrow for the aforementioned Junoir Blaber, who moved to the North Pole of the USA, Buffalo.
NOTE: This is NOT for everyone. It is not reflective of the opinions here. They are George Carlin’s opinions. There is strong language in this as well.