SLEEPY, NJ – Welcome, finally, to an exciting weekend. Yes, sports have returned. We have something to nourish our empty souls; previously filled with unmarked federal agents and wind-bag officials. Major League Baseball kicked things off and soon the NHL and NBA tournaments will be upon us. The real world is sure to interfere with both soon enough, as all sports leagues have now embraced the Anti-Brutality Movement. It’s only a matter of time before the playing fields are stormed by tear gas-wielding yahoos in camo with no ID to teach them the meaning of the word respect. Our evil presidente is throwing out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium sometime in August and has demanded no kneeling! I’m sure the players will kneel anyway and be met with flash bangs and tear gas grenades raining down from the cardboard cutouts in the stands. In fact, the entire Disney World complex is rigged to drop tear gas on the entire NBA as they enter the arena to play some hoops. That’ll learn them.
https://youtu.be/xu1EkzulHCM
In other news…
The expansion NHL team coming to Seattle has chosen a moniker, The Kraken, which last I checked is also the name of bad Captain Morgan knock-off and also something Liam Neeson carried on about in a movie I don’t care to see. This is a poor name choice. Additionally, Seattle needs a NBA franchise to replace the stolen Sonics, who moved to a red state where no one plays basketball.
The Washington DC football team will now be known as the the Washington Football Team until further notice. We did predict here that Dan Snyder would come up with the most generic/lame name possible. Will their logo be a generic soda bottle that just says Football Team?
Why is everyone so uninspired? I don’t get it. I saw recently someone suggest the team should be named after the greatest musical group to come out of DC – the Washington Bad Brains, which would be a much better choice and might inspire the non-sports-inclined to buy their gear and maybe support the team. This would be an inspired choice, but no inspiration exists in the mind of Snyder, so let’s move on.
Not surprisingly, the NY Mets won their home opener, as they often do throughout their history before falling apart days later. In a twist, they beat the soon-to-be-renamed Atlanta Baseball Team, whom they never beat.
Also the day before everyone’s hero, Dr. Fauci, has been added to the Worst First Pitch Ever list, matching Gary Dell’Abate and 50 Cent’s anemic outside throws. Doctor F deserves a pass, though. He’s been trying to keep the nation safe. Maybe the aforementioned football team can be called the Washington Fauci’s, since they too can’t play their game too well…
That’s it for now. Comment below and come back tomorrow for Cheesy Bruin’s counterpoint that the NBA players really deserve to be tear-gassed for their insolence, and the fact that they don’t play hockey… ’til then…
