WTFTNFSMD!!! NFC Least, NFL’s Flaccid Fools; Giants v Eagles or Trump v Biden

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Cam James 2023

DENVER, CO  – The weekend, before last I spent four days walking tirelessly in pursuit of the only thing more elusive than a NFC Least win; elk. Much like a win in the NFC East; elk are mythical creatures that come around so rarely that I have come to believe they are more akin to unicorns than deer. I hiked forty miles and climbed 15,000 vertical feet over four days through the backcountry. Through those long hard days I only earned a glimpse of an elk’s tan backside as it ran away.

Eventually, the pain of the hunt gives way to shortcuts. The wealthiest of hunters all eventually cave and spend an exorbitant amount of money to ensure a chance to shoot elk in a barrel on private land wherein they cannot fail. Last night the Iggles and G-Men might as well have been two rich hunters who signed up to shoot the same elk on the same day whilst forgetting to pack their rifles. The game was a welcome distraction however. Watching two flaccid flocks of fools prevented me from watching two flacid fools fling flailing flamboyant flatulence out of their frequently flabbergasting flappers. Unlike the debate, the game had some observations worth noting.

First observation: This article got rewritten every 30 seconds of the 4th quarter due to the ineptitude of the referees and the Giants offensive coaching staff. I ran out of vodka just trying to get through this mess.

Doug Peterson is the Eagles problem. Carson Wentz has five rushing TD’s?! ‘Ol Dougy Fresh called a QB Option on the one yard line to get the opening TD. WHY?!?! You have one player who allows your offense to function. Why are you putting him in harm’s way in a needless position on first down?

Doug Peterson is the Eagles problem… See above assertion and add a failed two-point conversion from the one yard line at the end of the game on the same play call.

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Jason Garrett is the Giants problem. Fat man pick play below the stakes? The Giants first drive effectively ended when Kaden Smith set a pick so obvious it would have gotten a moving screen call in the NBAAND it was one yard below the sticks! That, pure and simple, is bad coaching. First and foremost, the play was designed to break the rules and only works when fast receivers clip each other. Secondly, even if it worked Engram wasn’t getting the first down because it was poorly executed.

Joe Judge is the Giants problem.  In the times that I have watched Danny Dimes play he has looked like an intelligent, athletic QB with a live arm and a level head. When down 10-7 Jason Garrett called numerous slow-developing screen passes that went nowhere. At one point the replay showed Danny Dimes completing a very difficult throw to the back in the flats on one of said screen passes. You can see Danny’s facial expression show that he knew the play was dead before he threw the ball. How is this Joe Judge’s fault? He needs to control Jason Garrett and empower Danny Dimes to audible out of the play. Danny’s biggest selling point is he learned from Coach Cutcliffe and has the combo of cerebral and athletic ability. What is the point of a captain in the huddle if the coach won’t trust him?

The Offensive Line is the Eagles problem. Actually no. That would be Philly’s problem – but they don’t have one. They are so bad it would take them sixteen weeks to make a pancake.

Rushing would be the Giants’ problem… but they weren’t invited by any Greek houses to give it a try. [Ba. Doom. Cha.] Okay, I wrote this one-liner well before Gallman went nuts. I still think it holds water in the long run but hats off to Gallman.
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Danny Dimes is an Eil Manning analog with nothing around him and better legs. Danny Dimes is NOT the Giants problem. 97-yard game winning drive and an 80 yd run in the same game?! Kid is legit. Oh wait…never mind…Giants suck again.

Thursday Night Football is an abomination and I ran out of gin and put a dent in the vodka, just trying to get torgh writgoing t wglkasfg,t [get through writing this].

Bologna sandwich. That is all.

Changing gears…

P.S.A. Unrelated to Football:  When I was hunting I saw the raw power of nature rear her ugly head in a way I had never seen before. I submitted an 11,000 foot peak around 5AM Sunday morning. While looking off to the southeast I watched a small glimmer of light turn into an entire mountainside in flames in the time it took me to devour a protein bar. I have lived through hurricanes, tornadoes, and earthquakes. I have never seen something so majestically terrifying as a wildfire engulfing a mountain in moments. Because Colorado isn’t California it hasn’t gotten any press. As of today Estes Park, Rocky Mountain National Park, much of Granby and parts of Boulder and Fort Collins in the front range have been evacuated due to numerous fires occurring as I write this. Pray for rain/snow and thank a firefighter.

Speaking of going up in flames, come back tomorrow for Short Matt. Feel free to leave your comments below in the meantime.

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About Cam James 90 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.