BRONX, NY – Apparently, today is Festivus. For those of you who don’t know about this Frank Costanza–created holiday, I’m not going to bother to lay is all out for you here. Just know that it was born out of necessity, after Frank rained blows down upon another man over a high-demand Christmas present doll. Anyway, the best part of this holiday is “The Airing of the Grievances.” I know I did this back in October, but there are no shortage of problems I have with you people. Hoochie Mama! Let’s go!
Buddy Diaz. Our own Buddy Diaz is up tomorrow. The guy almost never bothers to chime in on my posts. And to this I say: WTF, Buddy? You have now fallen back on my list of favorite Buddys, behind Buddy the Elf, Buddy Holly, and Buddy McGirt. Trust me, you don’t want to fall behind Buddy Bell and Buddy Biancalana.
JuJu Smith-Schuster. Doing pregame dances on opposing teams logos is some seriously bush league sh!t, my man… especially when you have 82 catches for 670 yards on the season (an 8.2 yard average???). Get a grip on reality. Your team just lost to the Bengals after losing two weeks ago at home to Washington. It’s increasingly looking like the clock is striking midnight on Big Ben, as well as your short-lived standing as a #1 receiver.
Cheesy Bruin. My Vikings don’t need any help sh!tting the bed, thank you very much. It’s too late to beg you to stop featuring them in your weekly picks cesspool but, be a friend and look somewhere else next year.
Dabo Swinney. F**k Dabo Swinney. I’ll only root for Clemson when they play Alabama, and now I’m not even sure that I despise Nick Saban more than I do Dabo. It’s the person, and the name, of course. Dabo Swinney sounds like he could be Boss Hogg’s nephew on Dukes of Hazzard. And while we’re at it…
College Football Playoff. Notre Dame, Alabama, Clemson, and Ohio State? Seriously? To me, these four programs are like the horrific side effects they shoehorn in at the end of every new “miracle drug” commercial. CHAMPANTIX from NCAA Pharma-Cure. *Discontinue use and consult your doctor immediately if you experience any of the following: Crimson Tide diarrhea, Ohio stasis, Clemsomnia, or Frightened Irish penis.
NBA and NFL. I want to thank both the NBA and NFL for scheduling my favorite teams for some Season’s Beatings. Last night it was my long-dormant Golden State Warriors collectively waking from a medically-induced coma just in time to have Kevin Durant and his new team, the Nets, beat the holy sh!t out of them. Then, on Christmas (frickin’) Day no less, my aforementioned Vikings get sacrificed to the blood-thirsty Saints, who are harboring enough built-up playoff loss angst to slay 1,000 legitimate Vikings, the kinds with swords and sh!t. Merry Christmas to me!
Friends and Family. I’ve got no beef with you people. You’re still standing, and that’s good enough for me. To my brother and my wife, I could not be more proud about how you’ve responded to health-related adversity. You have both shown great patience and resilience. I’m taking notes. To my lifelong pal Cheesy Bruin, you kicked cancer in the teeth again. Wish we could hang out, but I trust you’re in good hands. And to my friend Trevor (aka Dude, aka Replacement Matt) keep fighting the good fight my man. You’ve got the stuff to beat your cancer too. We’re all in your corner.
OK, that’s it for me. I’ll be back next week to help set 2020 on fire and send it out the door. Until then, come back for Buddy Diaz tomorrow, because you won’t see him here today. Ha!