Thank God It’s Angry Ward Friday!: Stop the MLB Season Right Here

Bernie Madoff, Ronald Acuna, Jime Perry, Card Sharks, Steve Cohen, Bernie The Brewer, Jacob deGrom, Meet-The-Matts

BRONX, NY – I’ve been asked to step in today for my neighbor from the North, Different Matt, who is off to the dry cleaners to pick up his ultra-funky threads for a full weekend of Roller Disco action. Don’t knock a man’s hobbies. Anyway, I’m I’m as short on time as I am in actual height, so better get going with something here.

Let’s Freeze the Baseball Season. This has nothing to do with Jacob deGrom and the Mets most likely being snowed out in Colorado tonight, as if the Mets bats need to get any colder for a deGrom start. No, I just checked the MLB standings, and I’m pretty good with where they are right now, so can we just call it a season NOW and start the playoffs? Here’s why.

AL East. Somehow, the Red Sox are in first place after starting the season getting swept by the dreadful Orioles. The Yankees are in third, but are only avoiding sleeping with Buick-sized water bugs in the cellar because my Mariners (more on them in a sec) swept a doubleheader from the aforementioned dreadful Orioles yesterday. I’m fine with the AL East as is.

AL Central. Kansas City is in first, which means George Brett, Hal McCrae, Amos Otis and company must be firing on all cylinders. The Royals of the 1970s and early ’80s were frickin’ fun teams. Today? I know Whit Merrifield is pretty good, but that’s about it. Let’s move on.

AL West. The Mighty Mighty Mariners are in first place! This team hasn’t made the playoffs in 19 years. Who was President then? Morgan Freeman? Anyway, they are atop the division and JG Clancy’s A’s have yet to pull their bottom-feeding resurrection act. As contestants used to say to Card Sharks game show host Jim Perry: “Let’s freeze!”

NL East. The Mets are in first? How is that even possible, especially with Atlanta’s Ronald Acuna Jr. hitting north of .400 with 7 home runs and 14 rbi? That’s more production than the Mets will give deGrom all season. The only answer here is that Bernie Madoff croaked, and that probably prompted the Karma Cops to ease their restrictions on the Metropolitans. Meanwhile, Bernie’s probably off playing Purgatory Ponzi, trying to avoid the inevitable H-E-double-hockey-sticks, if you subscribe to that afterlife punishment community stuff.

NL Central. The goal here is ALWAYS, anyone but Cam JamesCardinals. The Reds and Brew Crew are tied for first so, mission accomplished!

NL West. The Dodgers are, not surprisingly, crushing it. Jeez, Colorado is already 8 games back? That’s brutal for halfway through April. However, denizens of Denver and other Rocky Mountain mopes (Cam?) can find solace in the form of the Colorado Avalanche, who I think are probably gonna win the Stanley Cup. I definitely just jinxed them, so never mind.

Okey doke! Brought this one in at just under 500 words. Economical for me. Come back tomorrow for a Saturday ice cream social hosted by Tall Matt.

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About Angry Ward 612 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.