Angry Ward Wednesday: President Tom Brady, Yankees Shanghaied, and Other Things I’ll Be Writing About When You’re Long Gone

BRONX, NY – For those of you who missed it, and that might be ALL of you, this past Sunday my lifelong friend, and longtime MTM contributor Cheesy Bruin, announced his retirement from this site. I’m personally hoping that he’ll reconsider and maybe come back for seasonal Sunday NFL selections and maybe some Fall/Winter hockey columns. I’m absolutely sure that Management will make the “tree falling in the woods” argument, ignore his departure proclamation, and keep asking for content. Some things you can still set your watch to. Whatever the case, I am here to tell whoever is out there reading this: I WILL OUTLAST YOU ALL.

To be clear, this is nothing like a brag or a challenge or anything that can be construed as remotely positive. It’s simply a fact. You will ALL be long gone, either figuratively or literally, while I robotically continue to crank out content, no matter how irrelevant or lame. Short Matt will abandon ship before I do. And here I will squat, atop the MTM ruins, like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner, screaming ceaselessly into the void. I will SEE things, many of them quite awful, and I will dutifully comment on them. I can’t predict what the future holds but, like always, I can make some sh!t up.

President Tom Brady. From the Patriot Way to Tampa Bay to the Beltway? Trust me, it’s there for the taking if he wants it.  If we’ve learned nothing else, it’s that you don’t bet against TB 12. If he so chooses, could easily see him flashing those pearly whites, drinking his Kale smoothies, and “aw shucks-ing” himself right into the Oval Office. You don’t think the thought hasn’t crossed Giselle’s mind? If a plastic hatchet-face like Melania can be First Lady, she sure as hell can.

Chinese Investors Buy the Yankees. George is dead, Hank is dead, Hal doesn’t care, and Randy Levine and the rest of the slimy suits that run the Yankees will eventually run them into the ground. Along comes Chinese money, lots of it, and the next thing you know the Bombers are being run out of Beijing.

The Minnesota Vikings Win the Super Bowl! Ha! What a f**king stretch, but this my column and, dammit, I will live to see it.

No More Olympics. Have you watched any of the Summer Olympics? Neither have I. And, WE are the audience. In the midst of all that’s going on in this crazy world, the Olympic Games seem to be losing relevance. Before you can say Usain Bolt, they’ll be gone, but not before they pull out all the stops and replace Gold Medals with Bitcoin.

NHL Goes RollerballAs sports attention spans wane, the NHL makes a bold decision to not only bring fighting back, but make it a mandatory part of the game. You get points for goals but you get even more points for beating the holy hell out of someone. Proposition gambling will, in some instances, call for play stoppage and a fight between two players getting the most monetary interest. This is definitely happening.

Okay, this is your Sports Omega Man signing off. I’ll be back next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that….

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About Angry Ward 655 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.