DENVER, CO – In the past couple of weeks I have spent more time traveling than I have at home. The #COVID grounding of business travel is officially over and those of us in traveling positions are logging more miles than ever before. It’s almost as if the recirculated air is a drug and us biz travelers are overdosing after a long withdrawal. This travel has severely short-circuited my ability to pay attention to any sports whatsoever. That is probably a good thing, as it prevented me from pecking out drivel each Friday. I’m sure you all would rather read about Diff’s Rangers on a one hundred degree summer’s day that happens to also be the MLB trade deadline. I did go to Fenway and attempted to see a Sox game but it was rained out. At the game I did see Big Papi, who was gracious enough to allow a couple fans in out of the rain into his box.
As I get to skirting my responsibilities that pay me handsomely to pay the Short Bald Piper today, I have nothing to say or write about. I have no opinions. I have no facts. I have no energy to care. Thankfully neither does ESPN. Today is their ESPN THE OCHO Day. All day they are showcasing ridiculous non-sports because they too, have given up. The only thing ESPN tries to do is ruin hockey and foist politics into the faces of people that just want highlights. Today on the OCHO there are a few events that I personally think are the pinnacle of American culture and existence. For this it is okay to consume ESPN today and today only. Those events are as follows:
USA Mullet Championships
Business in the front, Party in the back. The likes of Andre Agassi, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Randy Johnson live in the Mullet Hall of Fame. So does some guy who mows your lawn. As do half of the guys that operate radiator shops in your towns. Today is their day. I personally wish I could grow a curly neck cape but I can’t. The curls are key. Without the curls you are merely Joe Dirt.
I am a degenerate. I know this because I won four hundred dollars at two am last week betting dogs in Ireland on my phone. I then promptly lost more than four hundred dollars betting dogs in Australia on my phone. Today of all days the usually bad habit of betting dog racing gets so cute that maybe even your mother would be okay putting down a ten dollar box super.
52nd Annual World Championship Cow Chip Throwing Contest
Nothing makes discus more DISCUSting than hurling dried cow pies. However this seems to be one of the more athletic event on the slate for the OCHO today. Personally, I think you want a chip that isn’t quite dried out. You need a little weight to the chip to get a good trajectory on it. This does, however, risk you holding some really smelly poop – like the Mets lineup card.
That is all as I have eclipsed five hundred words and the Bald Piper will fall asleep editing this if I write anymore.