Angry Ward Wednesday: Hell to the Chiefs, Boone Bash!, and Warriors Come Out to Play

Aaron Boone, Pat Mahomes, Boris Karloff, Giancarlo Stanton, Yankees, Ward-Calhoun, World Series, Dusty Baker, Freddy Freeman, Meet-The-Matts
Mahomes and the Yankenstein Monster

BRONX, NY – The World Series between the Braves and Astros started last night so, of course, I watched none of it. I mean, can you blame me? It’s like asking me if I want cilantro or dog sh!t sprinkled liberally over my meal, when we all know that BOTH taste like dog sh!t. I’ve got no gripe with Freddie Freeman or Dusty Baker, so I won’t be upset if either wins a ring, but I have no intention of rooting for either of their teams. But there’s other stuff out there to talk about. At least I think there is. Let’s find out.

KC Messterpiece. In the movie, Slap Shot, goalie Denis Lemieux asks the question “Who own the Chiefs?” (“Owns. Owns!”) Finally we have our answer. On any given Sunday or Thursday or Monday, just about any team in the NFL might own the Chiefs. What the Christ is going on with Kansas City? Weren’t they supposed to be a dynasty? I’ll leave it to someone else to explain (*cough* Cam James *cough*) but I’ll say this: If the Chiefs DON’T beat the New York Giants by at least 17 points at home this coming Monday night, you can write them off for the rest of the season.

Boone Bash! My daughter is no longer in grade school, so we don’t get to enjoy the annual Boo Bash Halloween party her public school used to throw. This year, to fill that void, I propose that everyone throw a Boone Bash to celebrate Aaron Boone’s return to the Yankees. Dress up as your favorite Yankenstein Monster, such as Piniella LOU-gosi or Boris Giancarloff. Looking for an easier outfit? Come as your favorite Aaron Boone press conference platitude or nightmare Yankee contract. So many to choose from.

Young Angry Ward: Yankees Schill

Golden State Warriors. Going into last night’s (trap) game in Oklahoma City, my Warriors are off to a pretty good start this year. Not only has Steph Curry been lighting it up, but Draymond Green is billing $5,000 bottles of wine, to celebrate Curry’s being named to the NBA 75 list, to the team’s owner. Nature is healing. I know no one here gives a crap about my California-based basketball team, but I had to suffer through the Chris Washburn years and, besides, I’ve read more than my share here over the years on the bottom-feeding likes of the New York Jets, Buffalo Sabres, and Matt McCarthy.

A final word today, friends. I hope you’re giving out candy this Sunday. But make it GOOD candy, will ya? Listen to me you nitwits, NO ONE wants to get Raisinets, a Milky Way is a horribly depressed Three Musketeers, and Candy Corn is pure sh!t. Speaking of which…

That’s all for this week’s cavalcade of whimsy. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who will surely be laser-focused on the New York Knicks, and not his Iggles.

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About Angry Ward 619 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.