NEW YORK, NY – Is there anything quite so fun and filled with promise as a random Wednesday in March? The possibilities of this day are virtually endless, knowing only the boundaries of your fertile imagination. Yet for some reason you find yourself here, the last digital dive bar at the end of Sports Skid Row. That’s okay, pull up a seat, this shouldn’t take long. I’ll try to keep things terse. Let’s go.
Aaron Rodgers Returning to Green Bay. Pat McAfee’s Ed McMahon and the NFL’s Most Valuable Pr!ck staying in Wisconsin? Fine by me. Makes is easier when I can keep my disdain focused in one spot, rather than spread too thin geographically.
MLB Matches $1 Million Union Donation for Stadium Workers. So, let me get this straight, Major League Baseball and its many millionaire players and billionaire owners is ponying up a combined $2 million for all of the Spring Training and Regular Season stadium personnel who might be affected by the lockout? How f**king cheap can you be? Do the math any way you like, as any concessionaire will tell you, it’s peanuts. Man oh man, are the rich great at holding onto their money. Also, as I’m writing this, it looks like they’re headed for cancelling another week of the upcoming season if no deal is reached by Tuesday night. Book it!
McDonald’s Closing All Restaurants in Russia. Late night hosts are going to have a McMonologue field day with this one. Hopefully Mayor McCheese gets airlifted out to safety and they just go ahead and drop Grimace on the Kremlin. Sanctions be gettin’ real when you can’t find a single McBorscht Shake in all of Omsk.
Russell Wilson Traded to Denver. Wow, all sorts of stuff happening. I don’t have much to say except I suppose Jerry Jeudy’s fantasy value just went way up. I really only look at all of this movement as possible ways the Vikings can get rid of Kirk Cousins. Seattle should totally trade for him, unless they plan on going into the season with Geno Smith and Drew Lock as their quarterbacks. Someone, for the love of God, please give Kirk Cousins a new home. There’s got to be at least one rube out there looking to take their team to that elusive next level of mediocrity. Kirk is your guy! What do I have to do, make a commercial narrated by Sally Struthers with the sad strains of a Sarah McLachlan dirge playing behind it? Because I will.
Okay, I was going to write some basketball stuff, but at this point it’s really all about rooting against the Nets and hoping the Lakers somehow manage to miss the playoffs altogether. Come on back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, whose Yankees are probably kinda happy that they are saving some payroll dollars on Giancarlo Stanton and Gerrit Cole.
