BRONX, NY – This week I received a nice note in the mail from my cousin Becky in California. Like me, she still believes in occasionally using the USPS. There aren’t a lot of us left, especially those of us who still mail things like postcards and that almost-extinct species known as the “thank you note.” Anyway, it was great hearing from her, and I was little surprised to find out that she occasionally tunes in here to read my column. Whoops! Makes me think I need to clean up my language on this site a bit. I don’t want to get a bad name with my West Coast relations. I promise to try to get my sh!t together.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Also included in the envelope from my cousin was an old San Francisco Chronicle story about a couple of knuckleheads from Iowa who hijacked the left arm off a mannequin in a bar called Lefty O’Doul’s (also in the Bay area) that was a stand-in for the former big league pitcher who was the bar’s original owner. 
They mailed the arm back to the bar after three years and included a bunch of photos they took of on their various adventures over that span. In short, it was a silly prank with a happy ending, and I think sports could use more stuff like this. Here are a few ideas.
Send MTM’s Resident Yankees Fans to August 19 Game vs. Toronto. It’s John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman Talking (???) Bobblehead Night. I can’t think of a better gift for Bronx Bomber diehards than a constant reminder that their team has the worst radio team in the history of sports.
Steal the Stanley Cup. It’s been done, so it’s not like it can’t be pulled off. Just wait for the next cup to be won, follow drunken winning revelers, and just *yoink* that thing when they aren’t looking. Just don’t get caught. I can’t think of any more perfect photo prop. Who wouldn’t want to get a pic drinking out of the cup at their favorite dive bar? I’d personally want to fill it up with piping-hot Zuppe di Pesce and serve it to former MTM contributor and huge pucks fan/Italian food enthusiast, Cheesy Bruin. Mangia!
Glue Your Hand to the Court During an NBA Playoff Game. A woman just did this at the Timberwolves/Clippers play-in game to protest what she claims are inhumane practices at a farm owned by the T-Wolves owner Glen Taylor, so we’re going to have to come up with something different. Still, high marks for creativity. Wonder if refs whistled her for a three-second violation.
Hire Short and Tall Matt to Officiate a Wedding. An absolute disaster waiting to happen, but you still kinda want to see it. Obviously, for hardcore Mets idiots only. Bonus points if you later hire them to help mediate your divorce.
Get Kicked Out of Madison Square Garden for Harassing James Dolan. This should be a rite of passage for every single New York Knicks fan. What are you people waiting for? Can you even call yourself a real fan if you haven’t yet received a lifetime ban from MSG for wearing a t-shirt that says: Dolan’s a D!ck?
There are better ideas than these. For instance, outfitting JG Clancy in the old Dandy Yankee mascot uniform and setting him loose in the new-ish stadium, or cutting into a Monday Night Football broadcast with a live feed of Matt McCarthy doing rugby play-by-play. Figure out what works for you and have fun with it.
Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who will explain why it’s not a disaster that Yankees ace Gerrit Cole only went one and two thirds innings against Detroit last night. Talk about funny…
