NEW YORK, NY – Those that still care to know me—the numbers are dwindling—know that I remain a bit of a throwback/luddite when it comes to communicating in today’s evolving meta dystopia. I still believe in dropping “Thank Yous” and sympathy cards and even the occasional weird postcard in the mail. I like to keep my “snail mail” missives light whenever I can, but today, I regret to inform you, that I need to engage in some straight talk with certain sports-related people. Think of today’s post as nothing more than scribblings on a digital legal pad.
Dear Steve Cohen:
We regret to inform you that the $350 million you invested in the the 2023 New York Mets has recently been appraised at something closer to $150 million. Where did that missing $200 million go? Some of it is on the IL and a good deal of it is in the bank accounts of 3 starting pitchers, we’ve also traced roughly $32 million to some guy hitting .213 named Lindor. We will continue to monitor the situation and keep you both apprised and appraised.
Dear Rory McIlroy:
We regret to inform you that your services defending the PGA Tour and trashing the LIV tour will no longer be needed. Y’see, Rory, as it turns out, Jay Monahan and all the rich old white guys who run the PGA have decided that it’s not such a terrible idea to get in bed with the Saudis and all that of sweet, sweet forbidden blood money. Was this predictable? Probably. But that didn’t stop at least one of your fellow (unnamed) PGAers from saying, “No f–king way!” upon hearing the news. Whaddaya gonna do? Anyway, thanks for your two years of unwavering support protecting and supporting the Profession Golfers’ Association of America. Good luck on the new unified tour. Long LIV(e) golf. Go get ’em Tig… er, Rory!
Dear Antonio Callaway:
We regret to inform you that the Dallas Cowboys have cut you following your arrest last weekend in Miami for driving with a suspended license. It’s a tough break for you, a guy just trying to win one of the last wide receiver spots on the team. But, you broke the law. What were the Cowboys supposed to do. Maybe… MAYBE if you were like a star receiver and oh, we don’t know, murdered someone, Jerry and Stephen Jones could have waited until “all the evidence was in” before passing judgement on such a “fine young man” as yourself. But, because you’re a journeyman nobody, this was the perfect opportunity for Dallas to show what a law and order team they really are. Sorry.
Dear Meet The Matts Readers:
I regret to inform you that this is the end of today’s column. Chins up, there are brighter days ahead. Tomorrow, for instance. Buddy Diaz will be back.