NEW YORK, NY – Last day of April, WOOT! Over the years in this space I’ve given T.S. Eliot a lot of crap for writing that April was the cruelest month (when clearly it’s always been February) but, you know what, April is kinda crappy. Sure, we have baseball, but quite often that baseball is being played in the worst kind of conditions. We also have the opening rounds of the NBA and NHL playoffs, but those games are the sports equivalent of getting rid of the dead leaves in your gutter. And this year’s NFL Draft was a cavalcade of histrionics over one of the most boring draft classes in recent memory. I’m sorry, but when Cam Ward is the #1 pick, you know you really don’t need to watch this thing past pick #10 or so… and get the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out of here Friday and Saturday. That said, I suppose we gotta talk about some of this stuff.
What’s in a Name? There’s no more tiptoeing around our first subject; we are currently living in the Golden Age of Douchey Names. It’s reached such a saturation point that it’s started finding its way into every corner of pop culture. Look no further than the recently-completed third season of HBO’s White Lotus, which gifted us the entitled Ratliff family and, specifically, their kids Saxon, Piper, and Locky. In sports, we just had a draft where the Giants traded up to take Jaxson Dart and the 21-year-old son of a Falcons football coach decided it would be a good idea to prank-call Shedeur Sanders with the phone number he got off his Dad’s tablet. That son’s name? Jax Ulbrich. You give kids these names and expect them NOT to be a$$holes? C’mon. Oh, by the way, Patrick and Brittany Mahomes have three kids named after precious metals: Sterling Skye, Patrick “Bronze” Lavon III, and Golden Raye. Good luck with all that.
Finding Nimmo. For anyone who missed it, the Mets blew a 7-1 7th inning lead on Sunday and lost to the lowly Nationals 8-7. For their fans, this only served as a reminder that, no matter how many big names they sign, the Mets are still capable of doing “Mets Things.” That’s a relief. Anyway, they needed a boost, and got it Monday night in the form of Brandon Nimmo. All Nimmo did was bust out of an early-season slump by going 4-6 with 2 home runs and 9 RBIs. Not too shabby a night’s work. If guys like Nimmo can hit with just a little bit more consistency, the Mets could really have something going offensively. It’s way too early to tell, and injuries always have a way of derailing the best of plans.
Get Rich Kick Scheme. Yesterday, the Washington Commanders and kicker Matt Gay made history. Washington signed Gay, recently released by Indianapolis, to a fully-guaranteed, $4.25 million one-year deal. That’s the most guaranteed money for a kicker on a one-year contract in the history of the NFL. No word yet on how much guaranteed money his placeholder will be getting. Stay tuned.
Also, stay tuned tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who will be sure to tell you all about how the officials are making sure the New York Knicks stick around for at least another round of the playoffs.
