NEW YORK, NY – The lines between suspended reality and reality have not just blurred, they’ve vanished. The Donald Trump has vanquished such lines, as he farts, belches, swears, spits and flips the bird on his way to The White House… um, er… The Trump House. But hold on… what if John & Mary Q. Publick suddenly come to their dulled/bullied senses and vote for somebody other than the [sort of] grown-up version of Butch of The Little Rascals?! What if The Donald Trump has to settle for the 2nd Highest Job of Power in the USA?! Vice President? Pfft. Head of Google? Nerp. Mayor of NYC? Come on. NFL Commissioner? Not big enough. Instead, The Donald Trump would need us – his nitwit minions – to form a new position, one that we’d all hold as high – if not higher – than that of Commander-In-Chief? We could create the position of Sports Czar – giving one person power over all of sport. Good golly… Could you imagine? What If Donald Trump Ruled Sports?!
Czar Trump would call a spade a spade. Or more likely call a spade a hoe. Or ho. After watching Yoenis Cespedes meander in the outfield, Sports Czar Trump would likely label Cespy, “…a lazy Mexican,” and when informed Yo-man was Cuban, would say, “That’s even worse!” [Note: this trumped-up Cespy thing and Different Matt’s forgetting to write his column were the source for today’s piece).
Czar Trump would not tolerate losing… and penalize all owners that didn’t win. This plan would be flawed, of course, as not all teams can win. The punishment would be something along the lines of failed owners having to sit with fans in regular seats, preferably those with unnecessarily obscured views, as per Jeff Wilpon’s tinkering with the the Camden Yards‘ architect’s blueprints. They’d also have to buy the very-expensive and not-cold beer.
Czar Trump would allow PEDs. Fans want to see the biggest, fastest and strongest athletes possible. “Thousands and thousands of fans have told me they want players juicing. Tens of thousands. I can tell you that!”
Czar Trump would make wet t-shirt calendars mandatory. All teams would be required to have “…only the best strippers as cheerleaders,” and those classy ladies would be contracted to pose for said nudie calendars. Ted Cruz’s wife would not be one of them.
And finally…
Czar Trump would appoint Jim Dolan. We’re not sure what he’d actually have Dolan do, but we know he’d have him in the mix some how, some way. … “… because Jim Dolan is angry. I’m angry. Tens of millions of people are angry.”
We’re angry, too, President Czar The Donald Trump. Angry at froggin’ Different Matt for not writing today’s column!
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