NEW YORK, NY – The 2024 baseball season is underway and, if you’re a Mets fan, your team is already underwater. Truly, that Opening Day rainout was a portent of bleak baseball to come. As of this writing, the Mets and 0-4 and a record-breaking 0-162 season still isn’t out of the question. Dare to dream your worst nightmares. What more can you say about this inauspicious start other than, somewhere Buck Showalter is probably laughing. The Mets first four games were so bad, it was like staring at a headshot of Art Howe for four consecutive days. Talking about the Mets right now seems a bit like writing a song about a roadkill squirrel, but I’ve got nothing better going on so, let’s do it.
Starting Pitching. Let’s not beat around the bush, the Mets have no starting pitching. If José Quintana is your Opening Day starter, Vegas should automatically lop off 10 wins from your projected season total. Do not even get me started on Yankee blooper-bin-reject Luis Severino. I haven’t seen such a collection of uninspiring mediocrity since Mike Bruhert and Tom Hausman were starting a combined 32 games for the 1978 Mets. In short, this rotation needs to rotate on out of here.
Francisco Lindor. The mercurial Mets shortstop, Lindor is off to another of his patented red-hot starts, hitting .063 through the first 4 games. He ended last season with pretty decent numbers, but I would argue that he’s got more than a little of Kirk Cousins’ “Captain Garbagetime” moments in those stats. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when the games don’t matter and no one is watching.
Pete Alonso. I honestly don’t know what to make of Pete Alonso other than he’s tons of fun in the Home Run Derby and he seems to enjoy tearing guys’ clothes off. Do I think the Mets should sign him to an extension? Sure. Do I think he wants to keep playing in New York? Eh… I’m not so sure. He sure as hell seems like a guy who will eventually end up playing down South or in Texas.
David Wright. David Wright hasn’t been on the Mets in years, but eff him anyway. Never did someone become such a fan idol without a single big game moment on their résumé. I mean it. Can you remember any real David Wright signature moment in a game that really mattered? Neither can I.
Bullpen. Edwin Diaz is back… but does it really matter? The Mets offense isn’t looking strong enough to keep them close enough for many save-type situations. You could put Skip Lockwood out there in his place and not miss a beat with this team. Adam Ottavino is still kicking around, apparently. The rest of the pen is as nameless and faceless as henchmen extras in a Bond film.
Carlos Mendoza. This is another one of those Mets managers that I am certain you will never remember. If I’m wrong on this, I will sign a 10-year $000,000,000 million extension with Meet the Matts.
Francisco Alvarez. Like this kid. Hope he stays healthy and is ready to make the jump.
Steve Cohen. Lost a fortune investing in old man underpants last year so this year, naturally, he did nothing. He’s still infinitely more palatable than the Wilpons, but he’s on the clock.
J.D. Martinez. What the hell is the deal with this guy anyway? Do you have to go through the witness protection program before joining the Mets? He’s still “trying to find his swing?” Find it in regular-game action, Guy. You can’t be much worse than DJ Stewart (worst DJ name ever, by the way) has been so far.
Okay, I’m done talking about these humans. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is leading the league in smarmy Yankee fan smiles this season.
