Angry Ward Wednesday: Goose and Cash, DJ and LeBron, Other Valentine’s Day Love Stories

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Trump, Stomy Daniels, Meet_The_MattsBRONX, NY – As I’ve mentioned too many times to count, February is a slow month, for sports and for everything else… except the flu. The flu is absolutely dominating right now. Hitting for average, dunking on children and the elderly, scoring hat tricks in the ménage à trois circuit, and pretty much sacking everyone in its path… except alcoholics. So the advice here is, don’t leave your home for anything but whiskey and frozen pizza. The good news is, it’s Valentine’s Day! Yessir, nothing like Valentine’s Day to empty your wallet on sh!tty flowers and an overpriced dinner off of a special Valentine’s Day menu. Today’s column is for lovers only.

Goose n’ Cash on the Rocks? Say it ain’t so? Looks like New York Yankee Hall-of-Fame closer Rich “Goose” Gossage is now persona non grata at Yankees Spring Training. Smug, know-it-all GM Brian Cashman is behind Goose getting the gate. But why, in the age of Trump, would anyone want to ban a loudmouthed old white guy from the Spring Follies of a racist (*cough* no managers of color ever *cough*) organization? Is there room for these two star-crossed lovebirds to make up? We think there is, so long as Cashman looks at being called “a f**king a**hole” as a term of endearment.

Pitchers and Fatchers… never gets old!

DJ & Bron-Bron 4 Evah. He was too busy waxing poetic about the Winter Olympics this week, but our own DJ Eberle will be back soon enough declaring is undying love for his BAE, LeBron James. No doubt he will have no shortage of filthy hot takes on how the Cavaliers recent trades will put them over the top in the NBA East and bring them yet another title, this time over DJ’s side-squeeze Russell Westbrook and the OKC Thunder. Book it!

No One Loves Chachi. Much like fellow Tri-State heartthrob Chris Christie, Scott Baio’s Human Being Q Rating has taken a nosedive since he hitched his waning star to one Donald Trump. The former Happy Days punk has been getting slammed for apparently trying to “slam” at least one former co-star on his sh!tcom Charles in Charge. God knows what atrocities he committed on Joanie Loves Chachi. Joanie deserved much better. Everyone knows she should have stuck with Potsie. Anyway, all of this Baio bashing certainly does not extend to his cousin Jimmy, who was on a great sitcom, Soap, and was one hell of a pitcher in The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training. From all accounts, Jimmy is no big fan of his Cuz either. Unfortunately for Chachi, he probably can’t count on his buddy Donald having his back, as our current Prez has a firm rule of only offering unconditional support to serial wife beaters.

Short Matt Still Hearts Himself. Not to worry, folks, some things never change. Short Matt is still very much in love with himself. And, lucky us, starting in earnest today, it will be weeks of hearing about his annual self-imposed Lent-based booze ban.  Nothing but “Guy, I can’t drink this…” and “Guy, you don’t know…” Joy.

Okay, that’s enough for today. Do like the Bellamy Brothers and let your love flow… in the comments section below. Come back tomorrow for MTM Casanova, Buddy Diaz, who’s still smooching his 8 x 10 glossy of Nick Foles before bed every night.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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