Working Vacation Ward Wednesday: Unlimited Pasta, Prescott, and Mets Coverage

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SCORCHED HELLSCAPE, FL – Why the hell do I continue to fire off columns, into the void, even while on vacation? I think there’s no good answer except to say that, by now, it’s out of habit more than anything. Let this serve as a dire warning to the Ben Whitneys and Buddy Diazes of the world, get out now before you too get sucked in to this ill-conceived sports-themed TRON video game for all eternity. (*forces a smike*) OK gang, let’s get to it!

Olive Garden Offers Lifetime Pasta Pass. Since I’m in God’s Waiting Room, I thought I’d dive right in with a news item that is sure tickle Sunshine staters from the Redneck Riviera clear down to the Keys. Apparently the “Great Again” gourmands at Olive Garden made a limited-time offer to their gluttonous clientele to become “Lifetime Pasta Pass” members. That’s all you can eat pasta for the rest of your (abbreviated) life! I think that includes soup, salad, and bread-sticks as well! Though I have never stepped foot in an Olive Garden, I would love to have one of these cards, just to be able to show it to people. Oh well, there will be other opportunities.

Dak Wants $40 Million. I just heard that Cowboys QB Dak Prescott is hoping for a contract that pays him upwards of $40 million a year? THAT is nuts. If Prescott is worth anywhere near that, then Patrick Mahomes should get $100 million a year when it’s his time to renegotiate. Someone needs to tell me how the NFL thinks their current business model is sustainable. Geezers like me, who are willing to watch football over anything, are on the way out. The Millennials are coming and they don’t want to do anything. Scratch that, they’ll do stuff, but sitting for hours on end watching NFL, MLB and the like, ain’t part of their super-exclusive menu. The reckoning is coming, and I’m kinda looking forward to it.

Dak_Prescott, Jeff_McNeil, Mets, Jerry_Jones, Meet_The_Matts, Olive_Garden, Angry_Ward, Ward_Calhoun

Let’s Go Mets! I see that the last two postings on this site contained nothing about the red hot New York Mets. For shame. This aggression will not stand, man. I’m hoping they sent Diaz out fishing with Fredo and can keep the momentum going in Hotlanta. It remains to be seen. But, since I’m down South jukin’, I’m hoping to catch some of the action on one of the red-state superstations that seem to be all over the damn place here. It beats watching the Orioles pitch Home Run Derby batting practice to the Gleyber Torres and the Yankees.

Did someone mention Fredo?

OK, time for a frosty refresher. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, maybe. You never know, he just might heed my advice. No way out, no way out, no way out….

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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