“I think we should try this short cut, Coach…”
by West Coast Craig
EXT. THE MOJAVE DESERT. DAY.
A hundred and ten degrees, and nothing but cacti. An RV comes down a long empty stretch of highway. It’s a great big one, with a bed and a shower and a kitchen, and on the side it reads The Torre Express.
INT. THE TORRE EXPRESS. DAY.
JOE TORRE is driving. He’s looking nervously at the gas gauge, which is getting low. He turns off the AC…but there’s still a sound coming from the back. It’s MANNY and ANDREA rocking the Rock Band on a widescreen TV.
JOE TORRE
Guys, we’ve got to conserve some fuel if we’re going to get back to L.A. before the season starts, so it’s time to turn that off.
MANNY
Sure thing, Coach!
Torre looks back at the gauge. Up ahead: Miles of nothing. There’s another whirrrrring sound coming from the back. Torre is shocked at what he sees in the rearview mirror. Manny is blowdrying his chest hair.
JOE TORRE
Manny! Cut that out!
MANNY
Sorry!
Joe glances down, sweat forming on his brow. The “Check Level†light comes on. There’s a ding from in back. Manny pulls some tupperware from the microwave.
MANNY
It’s my leftover vindaloo.
JOE TORRE
Manny, no more electronic devices of any kind. Our very lives may be at stake.
MANNY
Sure thing, coach. Wait a minute…what time is it?
ANDREA
It’s 1:59.
MANNY
My high tea!
He turns and races for the automatic hot water maker…but the clock on it switches to 2:00 with a loud BEEP BEEP!
EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY. 2:00.
The Torre Express slowly rolls into frame and shudders to a stop.
JOE TORRE
(off screen)
Mannn-nyyyyyy!
CUT TO:
EXT. DESERT. DAY.
Manny and Joe and Andrea are standing out in the hot sun. Manny holds a plastic gas can.
JOE TORRE
Since this is all your fault, Manny, you’re going to go find us some gas.
MANNY
Oh Dios Mio, this is all this stupid tiki doll’s fault!
He holds up a tiki doll, its little face seems to be laughing at him. We get the wavy lines of a flashback coming…
MANNY
(voice over)
It all started when I found it in that ghost town…
EXT. CALICO GHOST TOWN. YESTERDAY.
MANNY and ANDREA are “panning†for gold when Manny finds the tiki doll in his sifter. Immediately the water chute breaks and dumps silty slog all over Manny’s feet. It sluices out into the street where a faux-GUNSLINGER slips, fires his gun up in the air while kicking a cart full of straw two feet out of the way as the faux-SHARPSHOOTER up top falls through the breakaway wall and, instead of landing in the soft hay, lands on the first fallen gunslinger with a loud CRACK.
CUT TO:
INT. CALICO GHOST TOWN JAIL. FIVE MINUTES LATER.
Manny and Andrea are locked behind bars. The DEPUTY confiscates the tiki doll, smiling at its grinning face, and is suddenly crushed by a falling rifle cabinet. Manny uses Andrea’s pocketbook, ties it to the end of one of his dreads, and manages to swing it onto a set of keys, pulling them in. As they step past the wreckage of the cabinet, Andrea races out but Manny pauses. The tiki doll smiles up at him.
CUT TO:
EXT. DEATH VALLEY. DAY.
Manny looks at the mocking doll in his hand as he trudges across the desert. The sun is bearing down, and Manny collapses onto his face.
FADE TO BLACK.
VOICE
Hey there, Rasta Man, wake up…
Manny slowly comes to. He’s in…
EXT. SALINE VALLEY WARM SPRINGS. AFTERNOON.
It’s a nudist colony located in the absolute Middle of Nowhere, Death Valley. There are tents and a sign that says “Bare Crossing.†Manny is in one of the warm springs while a number of rather well fed seniors walk around letting it all hang loose. One of these is the man sharing the spring with him, talking to him. It’s CARL YASTRZEMSKI.
YAZ
You awake, Hollywood?
MANNY
Mr. Yastrzemski?
YAZ
That’s right. Listen, kid, I always liked you…I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to take a leak out there in left field at Fenway, but I always just sucked it up…then you just go behind a door in the Green Monster during a pitching break? I was like, I didn’t know you could do that! Brilliant!
MANNY
Uhh, yes, I was taking a leak….
YAZ
Right. Right. Right. Listen, I know all about the tiki doll. You’ve probably figured out by now that it’s bad mojo. What you don’t know is that you didn’t find it, it found you! I had been holding on to that thing for years—I lost two World Series game sevens, I made the last out of the Bucky Dent game—ever since I found it here in Death Valley in 1958. It found its way around the league—Buckner had it, Lonnie Smith had it, Moises Alou held onto it for years—I brought it back years ago to bury again, but stopped at that stupid ghost town and it disappeared on me. Now I’ve found it again, and tomorrow morning I’m gonna put it back where it came from and it’ll never bother anyone again.
MANNY
Wow, well, sure man. Whatever you say…but I need to get back to Mr. Joe and Andrea, do you know anyone with gas?
Everyone in the bubbling tubs look around a bit sheepishly.
MANNY
No, I need to fill this gas tank so we can get to L.A. for the season opener.
An older woman speaks up from one of the springs…
OLD JUNE
I can help you.
YAZ
Don’t trust Old June, her carpet doesn’t match the drapes, if you know what I mean…
OLD JUNE
I heard that you old crank. Manny, you can check it out for yourself…
With her back to us, facing Manny and Yaz, she steps out of the tub….
CUT TO:
INT. MOBILE HOME. LATER.
Manny is inspecting the shag carpeting on the floor, and then the draperies that hang over the windows. They are both the same shade of teal.
MANNY
You’re right, these are both Cote D’ Azur…even your valances match.
OLD JUNE
That’s right, it’s the closest thing I could find to match my Marlins’ colors. Don’t believe anything that old Yaz says. So, is the RV you’re looking for called The Torre Express?
MANNY
That’s it! Thanks Old June!
OLD JUNE
Good luck this year, Manny Ramirez!
She starts laughing maniacally, then shuts the door and peels out of there. Manny stands there laughing as well, though he’s not sure why. From behind, Andrea cries “Manny!†and rushes up to hug him.
JOE TORRE
What took you so long?
He holds the full tank aloft.
CUT TO:
EXT. 210 FREEWAY. THAT NIGHT.
The skycrapers of Downtown LA are in the distance as the Torre Express drives by.
INSIDE, Andrea is sleeping against Manny, who watches the Yankees-Red Sox game on the satellite television. He can’t get comfortable and fidgets, reaching down behind him and pulling out…
The tiki doll. It smiles at him.
MANNY
Dios Mio!
THE END.
