BRONX, NY – I want to start out today by thanking everyone who either stopped by in person or reached out with an e-mail or card this past week to pay your respects and say some nice things about my Mom. I was particularly floored by the outpouring from both contributors and commenters on this site. Seeing and hearing from you mugs really brightened what was otherwise a pretty somber few days. You all know who you are and you’re aces with me. It was tough keeping up with sports during this time but I did have moments when I could check in. Here are some other quick “thank yous” to those in and out of sports.
Short Matt. Thank you for getting lost coming to the wake and going over the George Washington Bridge, even though you are from New Jersey. That really made me laugh. Thanks also for spending money that you can ill afford to spend. I love you, pal, but the future Mrs. Matt (Twinkletoes) is going to need to be in charge of the family purse strings.
Derek Jeter. Thanks, Captain Clutch, for finally ending this never-ending goodbye tour of yours. You were a great player, but you really could have chosen a slightly classier exit than letting Steiner Sports whore you out like some desperate, toothless, Hell’s Kitchen floozie. You didn’t need any of it. Thanks anyway for riding off into the sunset, I suppose.
New York Giants. Thanks, guys, for temporarily saving football season in New York. While Jets fans hope for Michael Vick, a guy who would have been banned from the universe had there been any video evidence of what he did to those dogs, to come to their rescue, Giants fans are almost allowing themselves to believe that this team could be in it to the end in a very suspect NFC East. That being said, the Jints really need to beat the Falcons this coming Sunday at home or all bets are once again off.
Amanda Bynes. Thanks for giving me hope that Cookie may once again post on this site. It’s writing about people like you that may just bring her out of retirement. If anyone can tie together the Clooney nuptials and an Ebola case in Texas, it’s Cookie.
Seattle Mariners. Thanks, fellas, for almost making the playoffs this year. It’s been such a long time that I’ve forgotten what paying attention to August and September baseball was like. That being said, if you guys had a remotely good record at home (like better than one lousy game over .500), you would have cruised into the post-season.
Bill Belichick. Kudos to you, Bill, for showing us that even geniuses sometimes have no idea what they’re doing. That game against Kansas City Monday night was a howler. When was the last time you got Tom Brady any real help on offense? Danny Amendola? Brandon LaFell? Julian Edelman? Those aren’t receivers, they’re witness relocation saps. Who was the last great New England running back? Sam “The Bam” Cunningham? My cousin Don Calhoun? Belichick has been doing it with smoke and mirrors and (most importantly) spy cameras for so long that he forgot that he needs actual players.