BRONX, NY – We’ve been experiencing some unseasonably high temps here in the Northeast the past couple of days, but now local forecasters are doing their best to scare everyone stupid by talking about another “POLAR VORTEX!!!” pushing down from the North this Thursday. Oh my God, tomorrow night we may drop all the way into the mid-30s! I must go out and get some extra food, bourbon and petrol, lest I perish in the frost like Jack Nicholson in a hedge maze. Actually, the people who made me hail from Austria and Minnesota so, to quote Cookie’s favorite Disney movie, the cold never bothered me anyway. But since we’re on the topic of the yo-yoing thermometer, let’s take a look at who and what is running hot and cold these days.
Hot: The Mets? Baseball’s Hot Stove League is not even, er, hot, but the New York Mets went ahead and fired it up anyway by signing former Colorado Rockies OF/1B Michael Cuddyer to a two-year $21 million contract. This despite the fact that just one week ago I wrote that the Mets were probably going to be saved from another potential bad signing when Colorado gave Cuddyer a qualifying offer. But that didn’t stop the Mets. They now have a soon-to-be 36-year-old veteran coming off an injury-plagued 2013 that saw him play only 49 games. Cuddyer will also no longer be playing in the thin, hitter-friendly air of Denver and instead be in the hitting gulag that is Citi Field. Oh, and the Mets have to give the Rockies the 15th overall pick in the next draft as compensation, which is awesome. Trying to remain optimistic, but this move is making me a tad hot under the collar.
Cold: Da Bears. Did anyone watch the Green Bay Packers dismantle the Chicago Bears last Sunday night? It was like watching a pack of super-fast killer football robots take out a team of 80-year-old nuns. Aaron Rodgers and his receivers looked like they were putting on some kind of pre-draft Pro Day. There were nothing but green guys running 20 yards open, with no defenders in sight. They say that Chicago winters can be rough, so this one promises to be downright brutal with the Bears already all but frozen out of the playoffs.
Hot: Emily Ratajkowski. We still love Sofia Vergara here at MTM, Kate Upton too, but this brunette with a linebacker’s last name is climbing the charts. She’s seemingly everywhere these days, including the recent silver screen Afflecktion, Gone Girl. She’s not yet peaked, but she’s close.
Cold: Rangers and Devils. Going into Tuesday night’s action, the New York Rangers and New Jersey Devils were both sitting at 14 points, mired behind 10 other teams in the NHL’s Eastern Conference. Things will probably change, but you have to take your shots when you can, especially when your own team is also stuck with 14 points. But, hey, the Wild have one game in hand on the Rangers and two on the Devils, so there.
Hot: Adam Silver. The new NBA chief hasn’t had the job for long, yet already he looks better than every other commissioner in professional sports. He handled the whole Donald Sterling debacle quickly and decisively, which makes him the anti-Goodell. It’s not like there’s much competition out there among the other three majors, and the NBA has a ways to go to get back to recapturing its “Fan-tastic” glory days, but Silver seems like he’s got the skill set to get his league back on track.
Cold: Phil Jackson. The New York Knicks are currently 2-6, having lost five in a row, and all Phil Jackson can think to do is whine over the fact that Commissioner Silver said that he watched a Knicks game and it looks like they’re still learning the triangle offense. Said Jackson: “I wasn’t so humored by the commissioner actually jumping in on top of that, too. He doesn’t need to get in on that.” What’s so offensive about that, Phil? You should be happy anyone is watching your team at the moment, let alone the commissioner. Take your own advice, fella, and get Zen. Then maybe get a point guard who can run your offense.
Hot: The name deGrom. It’s sweeping the nation, with mother’s tearing at each others’ maternity clothes to name their kids this and rappers east coast and west substituting it for Da Bomb.
Cold: My Dinner. I gotta stop writing. Wait, two more!
Hot: Rugby. Because Short Matt said so, goddammit! Shut yer piehole, listen to the best research available, tune out JG Clancy and Cheesy Bruin, and get on the Road to Ruggersville (which Hope & Crosby never finished) before it’s too late.
Cold: The name Headley. It hasn’t been hot since Blazing Saddles.