PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA- Merry Christmas, you stupid face American sports people!! We get tired of hacking them crybaby Hollywood losers at Sony, so instead we focus on even bigger losers on Meet The Matts, #1 web site for unemploy drunks. Here some super-hilarious Meet The Matts e-mail it took us like too seconds to hack.
From: Short Matt
To: Tall Matt
Subject: Another tortured night of sleep
SM: “Guy, I had that dream again last night where I am running my fingers through Ron Duguay’s lustrous hair and Barry Beck is standing in front of us refusing to shoot the puck. Then Rick Cerone walks in wearing a tight pair of 10 Jeans and yells “play ball!” What can this mean?
TM: For the last time, I am begging you, lose my e-mail!
From: Junoir Blaber
To: Short Matt
Subject: Pushing the envelope?
JB: Hey Boss, I think I generate a lot of buzz on the site when I take a devil’s advocate role on controversial topics, like when I said that I thought maybe Ray Rice’s fiancée had that left cross coming and that Adrian Peterson was well within his rights to maul his kid with a stick. Anyway, I was thinking of writing a positive column on the Knicks and then shoehorning in a bit about how Bill de Blasio is a great Mayor. Thoughts?
SM: Sounds good. Just make sure to edit it, put in your own media, schedule it to post, and maybe put something in there about SnapCall. You are going places, kid.
From: Fake Sandy Alderson
To: Jeff Wilpon
Subject: Keep walking until your fake hair floats
FSA: Dear Douchebag, would it be too much to ask for you and your geriatric catcher’s-mitt-faced Dad to get out of baseball altogether? Failing that, how about taking a bath with your toaster, you misogynistic, mindless, micro-managing, miscreant?
JW: Mom? Is that you?
From: Short Matt
To: Dunkin Donuts
Subject: Advertising opportunity
SM: You guys should really consider posting ads on our site. Our readers love coffee and sweet empty calories. They also firmly believe that America runs on Dunkin… except for reader JG Clancy who is convinced that America runs on bacon. Anyway, this could be a real win-win relationship.
DD (Auto Reply): Thank you for your interest in Dunkin Donuts. Please lose our e-mail address.
From: Central Intelligence Agency
To: Meet the Matts
Subject: Thank you
CIA: Dear MTM – We just wanted to drop you a quick note of thanks for all the good your web site has done for your country. With so many torture opportunities no longer at our disposal, your site remains a terrific means of making our imprisoned enemies crack without so much as a single drop of water or pair of pliers. Last month alone, two Angry Ward columns got us invaluable information from Taliban and ISIS operatives. And last week’s advertorial on Whiptail Athletic had countless hardened terrorists screaming for mercy.
From: Angry Ward
Subject: Merry Christmas!https://rugbywrapup.com/2014/12/rugby-wrap-radio-dan-carter-toulouse-drama-best-7s-coach
AW: Just wanted to wish all of you guys a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, or whatever it is that you feel like celebrating this time of year. You guys are top notch and all of your secrets are safe with me. For instance, I will never tell anyone that Cookie pulled a Rosie Ruiz in her 2014 Ironman Triathlon. I also won’t say a peep about West Coast Craig’s convincing George Lucas that Jar Jar Binks was the future of the Star Wars franchise. Same goes for JG Clancy’s vegetarianism and Tall Matt’s wearing lifts. Different Matt, you need not worry about anyone finding out about how much you like the New Jersey Devils. DJ Eberle, there’s no shame in loving the novels of Jane Austen. Fake Sandy, your Madoff investment info is safe with me. Grinding Ax Walter, ditto for your man-crush on Romo. Cheesy Bruin? Puleeze. If I told your secrets we’d all be in jail. Anyway, hope to see you all soon at some sort of holiday party.