New Year’s Resolutions: Carmelo, Piazza, Sandy, Wright, A-Rod and Rex With Theirs

300px-Thomson_19511003COOGAN’S BLUFF, NYC  – If you made any New Year’s resolutions last evening, good luck. I hope yours last longer than some of these unfortunate resolutions made by some of sports’ most prominent personalities. I  just cannot see these coming to fruition no matter how determined some of these guys may be.

Ray Rice resolves to take the escalator in 2015.

David Wright resolves to miss time from the playing field only when his injuries are legitimate, and not a convenient pause in the calendar that coincides with another miserable season having gotten away from him by August.

Alex Rodriguez resolves to play a baseball game for the first time since Kindergarten without the use of Performance Enhancing Drugs, so that he can play without a bra or a bro… or a manzierre.

What do I have to do guys?
What do I have to do guys?

Mike Piazza resolves to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame one way or another. He’s offered to build a new wing for the Hall. He’s offered free Cadillacs courtesy of Vincent Piazza Cadillac (Daddy) of South Philly to every baseball writer in America. Still, the back-ne rears its ugly [black] head every year around this time.

Rex Ryan resolves to take another untenable Head Coaching position in the NFL. Looking for a built in excuse, Ryan leaps at the newly open Bills job, reasoning that expectations must be very low for a franchise with no QB, no playoff appearances in more than a decade, and two more shots at Belichick every year-again.

CC Sabathia resolves to fly Charter-only from now on – particularly when traveling with his 22 person entourage as he did recently when he and his travel mates were denied entry to a flight when they arrived late to their gate.

Sidney Crosby resolves to educate Canadians about the importance of immunizations. A cautionary tale…

Sid the Mumpy Kid
Sid the Mumpy Kid

Carmelo Anthony resolves to continue acting as though he was forced at gunpoint to take $124M from the Knicks. If he wanted to win, he would have signed with Chicago or Dallas. He didn’t care about winning and never has. He wanted every last penny he could get his hands on. I’m not criticizing him for taking the most money; just that he should stop pretending that he gives a rat’s ass about anything but himself and his scoring totals. Chicago would have been able to give him roughly $80M. What can he NOT do exactly on $80M that he could ONLY do with $124M? Stop whining and play better and more unselfishly.

melo chi

Sandy Alderson makes no resolutions. He’s perfect. Just ask him. Though he’s actually only watched baseball in person a handful of times; has never coached, managed, scouted, etc the man invented baseball. Again-just ask him.  His arrogance and disdain for accountability have no limits.

Fake Sandy Alderson resolves to become a fan of the San Francisco Giants. A model franchise with solid ownership and a history of great recent success. Plus, as a descendant of the original New York Giants Baseball Club of NY, NY, I get to honor my Dad‘s legacy as a rabid NY Giants fan. Circle of life stuff.

Happy and Healthy New Year to Everyone in MTM World and Beyond. Thanks for reading.

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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake