DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA – One of the questions that has gone unanswered over the centuries has really never been solved: What is a Dick? No, I’m not talking about the infantile joking associated with the slang for a male part. Nor am I talking about the nickname for Richard. And we won’t go into the the attendance lists where the substitute teacher invariably calls out to see…”Is Dick Hertz here? Dick Hurts?” No, here we solve mysteries associated somehow, some way, with this question/terminology and apply it to the world of sports, Dick Tidrow, Dick Howser, Dick Pole and Dick Trickle, notwithstanding. Oh, and for SEO and Censor reasons, we’ll sub in the term, Ricks.
On a local and personal level, we’ve all encountered “ricks” by the bushel. If you recall the late great Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing hoops with Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly, then you know to what I refer. Screaming “Let it Rain!” while bricking one shot after another, and looking like an ass while doing so. What a rick!
In pro sports, we’ve seen many many more examples of a rick. In the 1980s, guys like Ozzie Smith, Brian Bosworth and Michael Jordan were all in my opinion – ricks.
-Who can forget Jordan looking with disdain at any opponent who dared try to guard him, or – heaven forbid – actually put a hand on him!
–Ozzie Smith crying about his Cardinals not getting the publicity the big town Mets got – even while his Redbirds had consistently beaten them (except ’86). Crybaby.
-And Brian Bosworth? There were few guys in the history of college football who were bigger ricks than he. From his personalized messages on his effeminate headband to his faux hawk to his inability to actually play well. The Boz was a rick.
It’s hard to say what makes one a rick. You know one, though, when you meet one. Any time a player goes beyond simply thanking God to actually claiming that God had a “rooting interest” in one team over another? Yeah, that guy’s a rick. Most white NBA players? Ricks. You don’t look at Kyle Korver or Coach Rick Carlisle and not feel the same? C’mon.
The best example of ricks today leaves us with a tie between two loathsome groups:
-The 2nd place Washington Nationals. You know, the self anointed best team in baseball led by Bryce “Where’s My Ring?” Harper and humorless Ryan Zimmerman. These guys have never won a freakin’ playoff series as a team. Not one! Yet, if you ask them, everyone else should be kissing their missing rings and treating them like world-beaters. Year in and year out this team has the best talent on paper in baseball. The game, however, is not played on paper. These guys are ricks.
-The next group is none other than your non-Dallas bred Cowboys fans. I hadn’t given this group much thought for several months – given that its baseball season, but driving home the other day a caller to WFAN annoyed the crap out of me with his arrogance about the Cowboys being the NFL’s best team. Really? To be fair, I don’t really think QB Tony Romo is a rick. It’s the FANS. (Possible exceptions being Cheesy Bruin and Grinding Ax – possible). Same as Yankee fans. It’s not so much their actual players – but their fans who are the real ricks. If you don’t get what I’m saying – you’re a rick.