BRONX, NY – So much going on this week leading up to Super Bowl 50, and none of it means a thing. Lots of inane questions, posturing, and fashion statements… and that’s just from my kid when I walk her to school each morning. But seriously, SB Hype Week is the worst. Wake me up when DeMarcus Ware gets caught with a tranny hooker or Panthers owner Jerry Richardson chooses the San Francisco Super Bowl to come out of the closet. Until then, let’s get to another mindless exercise. Here’s 50 things that just might happen during Super Bowl 50.
1. Beyonce might sing the National Anthem. But don’t count out that old crooner Bernie Sanders.
2. Biblical rain. Everyone knows that God is angry at the NFL and Belichick is currently building an ark.
3. Peyton Manning throwing a 50-yard bomb on his first possession. Either that or 10 5-yard passes on his first 10 attempts.
5. Some sort of “Support Our Troops” bullsh!t.
6. A Ted Ginn Jr. fumble.
7. Short Matt tears his rotator cuff opening a bottle of beer at the end of the first quarter.
8. Joe Montana shows up for something like the coin flip or a Just for Men commercial.
9. Everyone who has the numbers 2 and 2 in their
pool getting blind drunk.
10. Two touchdowns for Panthers TE Greg Olsen.
11. Super Bowl Party food poisoning!
12. Brock Osweiler takes at least one snap.
13. Junoir Blaber takes at least one nap.
14. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms will do an okay job until it becomes a blowout, at which point they will start talking about their favorite episodes of “Home Improvement.”
15. A whole bunch of expensive and lousy commercials.
16. One onside kick.
17. Bruce Dern flying an explosives-laden blimp over the stadium.
18. Peyton Manning gets killed but Warren Beatty, as Joe Pendleton, replaces him and leads the Broncos to the Super Bowl win and then at the end forgets who he is and becomes Peyton Manning and has to do stupid Papa John’s commercials for the rest of his life.
19. Cheerleaders! Lotsa Cheerleaders.
20. A CBS sideline reporter making an unfortunate comment about a “rise in the Levi’s crowd.”
21. An especially bad halftime show immediately followed by texts from Short Matt saying what a great band Coldplay is.
22. The Panthers win and Ron Rivera publicly endorses Marco Rubio during a post-game interview.
23. The Broncos win and Gary Kubiak endorses Pablo Cruise.
24. An earthquake!
25. CBS does something really cool by letting Brent Musburger, Irv Cross, Phyllis George and the Ghost of Jimmy the Greek do the lead-in.
26. Face-painted yahoos.
27. Way too many luxury suite shots of John Elway.
28. Someone somewhere serves way too much Mexican Five-Layer Dip and then has a full-blown toilet paper emergency.
29. Domestic violence aplenty.
Van Miller Von Miller makes an obscene gesture that offends just about everyone but me.
31-40. Punts, fair catches, replay reviews, injury timeouts, false start penalties, illegal block in the back penalties, holding penalties, a lot of other penalties, wasted timeouts, wasted fans, and lots of wagering.
41. Roger Goodell getting booed… loudly.
42. God-awful, way-too-long, kill-me-now pre game shows.
43. Switching the channel during a commercial only to find that there’s a great movie on that is way better than the game you’re watching and then beseeching your host: “Please turn back. I just want to see the part where Drunk Santa Dan Aykroyd eats salmon through his dingy beard on the bus!”
44. A truly horrible on-field brawl prompted by a cheap shot or Cam Newton showboating with his team up by 30 points in the 4th quarter, that will forever mar this Super Bowl and put yet another nail in the NFL’s coffin.
45. Lots of drunk texting.
46. The meat sweats.
47. Cheesy Bruin correctly predicts the over/under.
48. Concussion protocol-ish. “Nah, he’s okay. Get back in there you warrior!”
49. The last “Omaha!” ever… I hope.
50. I officially announce my retirement from sports blog servitude.
There it is. I am quite sure that many of these things are gonna happen. The Sun Also Rises and I’m guessing Grinding Ax Walter Hynes may be back here tomorrow. Poor sod.