Goose Gossage Grouses, Keeps Rant Going

Goose Gossageby special contributor Goose Gossage

TAMPA, FL  – Look, a lot of “words” have been attributed to me lately, many of them out of context, so I’d like to thank Meet The Matts and West Coast Craig for letting me set the record straight.  First off, I am not a crackpot!  I was ambushed by some ESPN reporters, and then again in a radio interview, and then again on my porch when I went on for hours before realizing I was yelling at a garden gnome…but I’ve had it up to here with these lazy millineals ruining my game!  I’m madder than Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds (the first one, not that b.s. Nerds In Paradise one), because these gluten-free namby pambies apparently don’t watch baseball unless the players appear to be having fun.

First of all, these bat flips.  They watch them on the YouTubes and the Vines.  In my day the only Vines we had were Red…and we called them Twizzlers!  But what really Fus my Manchu is the lack of respect…for the bats!  Did you know Lou Piniella used to take his bats to bed each night and make sweet love to them?  You hear of hitters “boning” their wood bats, but Lou was never so crass, he referred to it as “marital congress” or “making the beast with two bats,” and always with some Barry White playing softly on the hi-fi.  Now these characters today toss them aside like “Wham-bam, thank you, Ma’am.” Guys like Bautista, he’s disgracing his Latino forebearers… Juan Marichal never tossed his bat, he hung onto it and hit opposing players over the head, the way you’re supposed to.  Kids these days, they can’t break up two or even run a guy over at the plate, just because somebody could be horribly injured?  I’m not cold hearted, it’s just the circle of life… sometimes you’ve got to ruin a guy’s career in order to open up a spot for a new one!

Dalls Green Meet_The_Matts
Green was a REAL Dallas!

I tell you the hipsters are ruining everything.  All these crazy beards you see everywhere, Dallas Keuchel looks like King Tut… and where are the good mustaches any more?  Don’t get me started on the long haired hippies like deGrom and Syndergaard…in my day those pretty locks would be parted on the side and swooped over the the top, or nicely feathered and layered with a little Vidal Sassoon.  We used shaving cream to shave with, not stuff in people’s faces!  We had real cakes for that back in the day, and we didn’t need to put them in anyone’s face, we had Sparky Lyle just sit in them!  We also had good nicknames back then, like Goose, Chicken, or The Bird.  Today?  Not a single bird nickname.  What is wrong with this generation?  Don’t ask me.

No really, please don’t ask me.  I just might answer with something else missing from baseball these days, an actual opinion.

That little nerd Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson will take the ball tomorrow, so you can expect a lot of bat flipping. Come back for it.


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About West Coast Craig 226 Articles
West Coast Craig reports from Hollywood with an endearingly laid back style. A happily married father of two little boys, WCC has an avocado tree in his yard, plays the hot corner in a "Valley" hardball league and always manages to take cool sports-related mini road-trips, often with his immediate clan. He hails from Oneonta, NY but has been "So very L.A." for twenty years, so his sports teams are the Yankees AND the Dodgers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the L.A. Lakers and the Colorado Avalanche/Quebec Nordiques. WCC loves bacon-wrapped hotdogs and can touch his heel and his ear... with his hand.