by special contributor Goose Gossage…
TAMPA, FL – Look, a lot of “words” have been attributed to me lately, many of them out of context, so I’d like to thank Meet The Matts and West Coast Craig for letting me set the record straight. First off, I am not a crackpot! I was ambushed by some ESPN reporters, and then again in a radio interview, and then again on my porch when I went on for hours before realizing I was yelling at a garden gnome…but I’ve had it up to here with these lazy millineals ruining my game! I’m madder than Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds (the first one, not that b.s. Nerds In Paradise one), because these gluten-free namby pambies apparently don’t watch baseball unless the players appear to be having fun.
First of all, these bat flips. They watch them on the YouTubes and the Vines. In my day the only Vines we had were Red…and we called them Twizzlers! But what really Fus my Manchu is the lack of respect…for the bats! Did you know Lou Piniella used to take his bats to bed each night and make sweet love to them? You hear of hitters “boning” their wood bats, but Lou was never so crass, he referred to it as “marital congress” or “making the beast with two bats,” and always with some Barry White playing softly on the hi-fi. Now these characters today toss them aside like “Wham-bam, thank you, Ma’am.” Guys like Bautista, he’s disgracing his Latino forebearers… Juan Marichal never tossed his bat, he hung onto it and hit opposing players over the head, the way you’re supposed to. Kids these days, they can’t break up two or even run a guy over at the plate, just because somebody could be horribly injured? I’m not cold hearted, it’s just the circle of life… sometimes you’ve got to ruin a guy’s career in order to open up a spot for a new one!
I tell you the hipsters are ruining everything. All these crazy beards you see everywhere, Dallas Keuchel looks like King Tut… and where are the good mustaches any more? Don’t get me started on the long haired hippies like deGrom and Syndergaard…in my day those pretty locks would be parted on the side and swooped over the the top, or nicely feathered and layered with a little Vidal Sassoon. We used shaving cream to shave with, not stuff in people’s faces! We had real cakes for that back in the day, and we didn’t need to put them in anyone’s face, we had Sparky Lyle just sit in them! We also had good nicknames back then, like Goose, Chicken, or The Bird. Today? Not a single bird nickname. What is wrong with this generation? Don’t ask me.
No really, please don’t ask me. I just might answer with something else missing from baseball these days, an actual opinion.