NEW YORK, NY – We all go through struggles in life, whether they be financial in nature, physical or stem from personal or family relationships. For some, all of the above apply. With all things considered, though, yours truly has had one heck of a fun ride; one that few tears should ever be shed for. But while struggling with one arm to do something special in a studio apartment in New York City for a woman that I certainly don’t deserve, my mind kept racing to Carmelo Anthony – of all people – and his endless wealth that hasn’t, apparently, bought him happiness. But what if that money was mine? Or yours? What Would You Do If You Had Carmelo Cash? Here’s what yours giggly would do:
One caveat, though… I would keep my new Carmelo Money a secret before doing a few things.
Practical things would get taken care of first: All debt for moi, the wife, my Mom and brothers would vanish. Next up, get my mom the 24-hour care at home… if she wanted it. Preferably it would be Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes from Downton Abbey. And I’d figure out a way to pay off all family member debt before they knew it and including paying college tuition for the nieces and nephews.
Still on the practical side, attention would turn to the friends that have bailed me out countless times with favors, money or whatever… whenever. It’s a special thing to have people that you can call up and ask for something ridiculous and voila, it happens. You cannot place a monetary value on that, but I’d give it a shot!
Next up would be the covert paying off bills for certain friends, including staff members of this site, and the establishment of a large salary for that staff going forward. They’d also be paid retroactively for their toil as voluntary indentured servants here. The downside of this new money and/or remunerations lies in the fact that most of them are Bronx-raised White Trash, and would likely lose their newly-found riches in a Donald Trump/Bryan Trottier/John Rocker real estate deal gone sour… after learning that The Donald Trump had only licensed his name, not actually built the development out. That development would be in the news for having disintegrated in a light rain. The positive of said nouveau riche crew’s demise is that Angry Ward would transform back to his old Angry self, after a brief stint as Happy Ward… Happy’s ratings were abysmal.
As for the missus, before telling her about the Carmelo Cash, I’d throw out 99% of her wardrobe, keeping only her favorite pajamas, t-shirts and sentimental stuff. When she came home, I’d overwhelm with a TJ Maxx shopping spree (Why pay more for designer labels?) and the break the good news to her over din-din at her favorite vegan joint, Candle 79 (or something like that), before jetting to Europe and hitting pro rugby matches in France, Italy, Ireland, Wales and Scotland. We’d skip England, having gotten our fill on our working honeymoon.
As for the important stuff…
1) I would buy the New York Mets! What’s that, you say? Carmelo Cash is not enough to buy the my beloved team! Well then, dagnabbit, I would buy a minority share piece and then be the annoying minority owner that shows up to every meeting. More importantly, I’d vomit every time Jeff Wilpon opened his mouth. Literally. Right on the conference table. They would get so annoyed/repulsed they’d then sell their shares to my constituents, who would include Jim Bruer, Gary Patrick Angelo Dell’Abate and Jon Stewart. We’d also jettison d-bag Bill Maher and ban him from games. Aside from being a d-bag, he didn’t use his platform to voice displeasure with the shenanigans going on in the front office on his watch. With this new coalition, I would amend the Mets’ bylaws so that only the original blue hat, home white pinstripes and away grays may be worn. Apologies to Mr. Met but he should not be on a MLB uniform… unless it’s worn by the Yankees.
Away from Flushing, I would buy four decent season seats for the Rangers and Knicks. I would pay for Angry-Again Ward’s Giants tickets with the stipulation he take me at least twice a season, including to any playoff games. No, he can’t just give tickets… he has to sit next to me.
2) I would build Shasky Field at Harlem River Park (128th & 3rd) and share it with the my newly-formed pro league; comprised of guys with day jobs. Yours truly would foot the bill for the Rhinoceros League and Bill Lee would be the Czar – not Commissioner. Shasky Field would be the home for Harlem RBI’s youth program, the New York Rugby Club (with a proper clubhouse) and, of course, the Harlem Shaskys.
3) I would fully fund Meet The Matts and Rugby Wrap Up as half hour weekly shows, with 3 weekly live webcasts each. All correspondents would be over-paid, but hey… I’ve got Carmelo Cash. And The Donald Trump said it was important to self-fund… or at least say you are.
And there you have it. Apologies for being tardy but a sitcom’s worth of over-the-top-for-even-Hollywood events collided here on this end in the last three days. But that’s a story for another day. In the meantime, check us out on Twitter (@MeetTheMatts) and Facebook (Meet The Matts) come back tomorrow for Junoir Blaber, who will start his column taking about the busy week he had, and let us know…
What Would You Do If You Had Carmelo Cash?