BRONX, NY – The Yankees game was on the other night, so I instead decided to read an interesting article on sea lice. Then, just like that, I finished the fascinating piece on our misunderstood microscopic saltwater pranksters, and the Yankees game was still on. Meanwhile the Mets game was postponed due to rain, yielding the Mets’ usual run output of zero. It got me to thinking, New York’s sports teams are really in the crapper these days. Even Metropolitan celeburodent, Pizza Rat, won’t go near Rao’s for fear of running into sad-faced Eli Manning or aging mannequin Henrik Lundqvist, for fear of putting him off his red sauce carbs. It’s pretty bad. Here’s the breakdown.
Knicks and Nets. Sweet Jesus, where to begin? These two teams play in the pathetic Eastern Conference of the NBA, and neither managed to make the playoffs. They will both be bad–Caddyshack II bad–for years to come. Why do we even bother discussing how to fix them? James Dolan owns the Knicks! Even if you’re a Knicks fan, do you really want to see James Dolan win anything? He sucks. The Nets? They are now toiling in Brooklyn, and that’s Brooklyn’s problem. I’ll say this though, the Sweathogs probably had a better basketball team.
Giants and Jets. Oh Nelly! As for our New Jersey-based NY football teams, they have the same old self-inflicted problems. The Giants have Eli and OBJ and Jason Pierre-Grucci Bros. and little else. The need like three or four drafts to fix their problems on defense, the running game, and the offensive line. The Jets are god-awful but their fans are too drunk to realize it. Screech from “Saved By the Bell” has a more promising future story arc. Too cheap to sign mediocre Ryan Fitzpatrick to a mediocre contract, the Jets will instead roll the dice with the crap that they have. The only guy I feel bad for is Matt Forte, who must’ve been on a bender when he signed with this team.
Rangers and Isles. Time has run out on the New York Rangers, at least the team that you thought could bring you a cup, any cup… like even a sippy cup. After years of being the Blueshirts’ magic trick, Lundqvist can’t stand on his head anymore, and I don’t blame him. The Islanders? Puhleeze. Their fans, including our own Tall Matt, were thrilled when they made it out of the first round of the playoffs this year. I haven’t seen so many half-hearted slaps on the back for a job well done since “Howard the Duck” tied “Under the Cherry Moon” for the Worst Picture Razzie of 1987.
Mets and Yankees. I saved perhaps the most depressing for last, cuz that’s how I roll. The Mets were in the World Series last year and lost. There was much hope coming into the season, and that hope is still there… but it’s more of a flickering hope. They were in first place for a while but are now free-falling with almost zero offense. They are still in striking distance of the also-flawed Nats, but could also fall into 4th place behind Miami and Philly in the blink of an eye. It ain’t pretty. I think Matz should play first on days he doesn’t pitch, because they need his lumber the way David Wright and Lucas Duda need Lumbar. Stay tuned. The Yankees, on the other hand are a hodgepodge of fragile past-their-prime vets, a one-man starting rotation, some live pen arms, and assorted other Bronx River bloated corpses and medical waste. Yet they are somehow only three games under .500 and six and a half out of first. But they’ll still be nothing but a broken down summer amusement park this summer.
So there you have it, New York sports teams have fallen and they can’t get up. Take nice vacations this summer and try not to think about the current state of baseball or what awaits in autumn football, basketball, and hockey. As Dr. Leo Marvin would prescribe, take a vacation from your problems.