Angry Ward Wednesday: Last-Second Halloween Sports Costumes for Jerks

joe buck hair plugs
Halloween Sports Costumes: Joe Buck.

 BRONX, NY – I swear I am taking a vacation from this place starting next week. But, for now, I’ll crank out one more on the fly. Halloween is around the corner, kiddies. For those of you sports still struggling with what costume to wear, here are some easy last-minute Halloween Sports Costumes for Jerks:

Josh Brown. Shave your head, put on a wife beater, grab a Giants helmet, mock up a novelty-size resume and wait for the hilarious appalled gasps. Bonus points: Get a buddy to play John Mara and throw fake money at you.

Draymond Green. Throw on a #23 Golden State Warriors jersey, go out and knock on some doors, and kick everyone in the nuts all night. The ultimate trick. Bonus Points: Demolishing anyone wearing a LeBron jersey.

Port-o-John Toilet. C’mon, this is a sports costume! Just get a big cardboard box and voila! You can’t have a tailgate party without these handy portable “relief stations.” The NFL may want to think about putting a couple of these on their sidelines. Just ask Redskins special teams coach Ben Kotwica who whipped out his Chief Jay Strongbow and micturated all over Detroit’s Ford Field this past Sunday. Bonus Points: Draw pinstripes on the costume and go as an obese Yankees fan.

Former Owner of New Jersey Generals. This one’s easy. Get lotsa orange makeup or just a simple pumpkin mask, a cheap suit, and say a bunch of douchey stuff. The more people you offend, the better. Bonus Points: Try not to get punched in the face.

Meryl Streep in her pick of Halloween Sports Costumes for Jerks.

Philadelphia Eagles Fan. Just buy your standard cheapo jailbird costume and an Eagles baseball cap. That should just about do it. Bonus Points: Vomit on people on purpose… it’s the Eagles way.

Joe Buck. Fake hair plugs and phony moral outrage should just about do it for this one. Bonus Points: Get a friend to play lousy Chris Berman for good measure. Extra Halloween misery is a good thing.

flamingbagofpoop1-300x168Steve Bartman. Cubs cap, headphones, turtleneck, and sweater. The geekier the better. It’s a timely costume, for sure. Bonus Points: Have a friend dress up as coked out Charlie Sheen in his Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn uni [MTM Photo Department refused to give Douche Nozzle face-time here]. If you guys can’t get laid in these get-ups, then go on home and pass out candy.

Meet The Matts Employee. Maybe the easiest costume of all. Just turn your pockets inside out and look demoralized and destitute. Bonus Points: Leave a burning bag of dog poop outside Short Matt’s apartment door.

That’s all for this week. Way over my 189 word count over/under. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who will be dressing up as Buddy Ryan this Halloween. And please follow us on Twitter, @Angry_Ward & @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

P.s… The Indians won and the Warriors and Knicks got crushed.

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About Angry Ward 755 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.