BRONX, NY – Just recently, President-Elect Donald Trump’s top advisors (aka: Gingrich, Giuliani and the rest of the GOP walking dead) told Mr. Trump that it would be prudent to start thinking about his cabinet. Being the shrewd politico that he is, Donny hopped in his car and headed on over to IKEA. After purchasing the popular Flarken model kitchen cabinet, he headed on home and spent a whole two minutes trying to assemble it, before asking Chris Christie to come over and do it for him. Much, much later, after Christie gave up on the Flarken and emptied out The Donald’s fridge, Trump finally sat down, put crayon to paper, and decided who he wanted to work for him. Here’s his list.
Secretary of Defense: Rex Ryan. Rexy will be thrilled with this appointment until he finds out that Trump actually wants him to be secretary of de fence that’s gonna replace de border wall with Mexico. Rex’s Job will be taking bids from shady NY contractors and rubbing feet with various Mexican dignitaries. Either way, this will be one of those rare instances when moving to DC will be an upgrade.
Secretary of Energy: Lenny Dykstra. “I still like the kid’s enthusiasm. He’s got a great motor,” says our future Prez. “Sure he made some poor financial decisions, but haven’t we all? Ha!”
Secretary of Education: Schooly D. “I don’t know him. I don’t know his work. But I think he’s very, very talented,” Trump said of the 80s rapper at a recent meet-and-eat at a Westchester Quiznos. He continued, “Look at that name! He’s gonna do bigly with education. He’s my African-American.”
Attorney General: Doug Flutie. He’s not an attorney but he did play for the Generals, and that’s good enough for Captain Combover.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Shawn Kemp. A veteran of many affairs himself, Donald needed a trusted name in this category and someone who would make his own hamfisted dalliances seem tame by comparison. The former Sonics big man (and big-time baby-maker) was a slam dunk choice.
Secretary of Transportation: Undecided. So many choice here. The short list includes Jerome “The Bus” Bettis, James Jett, M.L. Carr, Scooter Gennett, and Rocket Ismail.
Secretary of the Treasury: Donald Trump. “No one touches the money but me! Do you hear me?” Look for orange hundred dollar bills by 2018.
Secretary of Agriculture: Carrot Top. A fellow orange with a vegetable name. Donny loves prop comics as much as he does books with pictures.
Secretary of Labor: Vince Workman. The former Ohio State Buckeye needs a job.
There are plenty of other jobs available with Team Trump. Belichick is said to be a shoe-in for Director of the CIA. And our own Short Matt is on the short list for the Supreme Court. Yes, that’s how grim it’s looking.
But there are better things on the horizon, starting with Buddy Diaz tomorrow.