“In this defunct microcosm, eerily similar to the DPRK, the Broncos are the army and John Elway is the peoples’ Dear Leader.” –Cam James
MILE HIGH CLUB, CO – When I was just a young boy, I had a baseball coach who liked to use metaphors to explain life lessons. Generally these lessons were often of a nature that would make fathers laugh, mothers cringe, and the team swoon for the promised land of adulthood. One of my favorite parables I learned from this degenerate was the story of the rubber band.
Seemingly innocuous in nature, the rubber band holds together the things inside its grasps. This can provide utility. This can provide security. This can also provide pain. The rubber band waxes and wanes its grip effortlessly, to the point of lulling its captives into a sense of freedom as if the rubber band doesn’t exist. Then right as you are at your most comfortable, the rubber band reminds you with a stinging snap that you will never get away… ever. The examples my coach gave for the rubber bands of life were ex-wives, bastard children, and the grace/wrath of the Almighty Father. Moral of the story; Be careful what rubber bands you place on yourself, as you will never… get… away. To that end, I have the great honor of coming out of retirement and writing for my favorite rubber-headed, rubber band, Shorty McShort Stack Matt, who still has his grip on me – even though I have stretched his gentle embrace two thousand miles out to Denver.
As a now “West Coast Correspondent (not named West Coast Craig),” I will fully embrace my role of being the guy that publishes on an infrequent basis. I will embrace being the guy that no one will read, as my posts will always be aired during off-peak times about things that no one in their right mind would care to read about. After all, the highlight of the sporting competitions around here are events like;
–Who Can Roll The Dankest Blunt Before We Go To A Rockies Game
–Who Can Get The Most Drugs Past Red Rocks Security For The 3rd Straight Night of Phish
-Who Can Sneak Into Team USA Ski Practice To See What Lindsay Vonn and Mikaela Shiffrin Really Look Like In Spandex
-The Annual Leadville Skijoring Competition (see video).
Putting all shenanigans aside, there is one serious change of note to my sports allegiances… For those of you that didn’t already know I, Cam James, am no longer a Rams fan. Stan Kroenke is my Art Modell and I hope they lose every game for the rest of their existence. My new allegiance is to the greatest franchise west of the Mississippi, in the KC
Chefs Chiefs. This decision was impacted by many factors including but not limited to; family ties (cousin interned with Chiefs and the whole family are Chiefs fans), Time in NYC (Giants were a close second, Jets never had a chance), Current location (The Chiefs gave me a great platform for Broncos bashing).
Since my move, Broncos bashing has become an activity I am uniquely fond of. In NYC, witty exchange is generally two-sided, unless you are dealing with Yankees bleacher creatures – who aren’t capable of forming sentences. Here in Denver, no one knows how to respond to a dig. It’s as if they have never heard someone criticize their beloved team before. In this defunct microcosm, eerily similar to the DPRK, the Broncos are the army and John Elway is the peoples’ Dear Leader. This is why I am happy to bring you a new recurring segment and the closing sentiment to this week’s column; Dumb stuff John Elway would say.
This week’s quote: “If Myles Garret was as amazing an athlete as I am he would sign with the Yankees and never have to play a day in a Browns uniform.” – John Elway
And with that the comeback is complete. Please fire your pucks below and check us out on Twitter @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts. And back tomorrow for a man whom is his own army, @CheesyBruin.