Big Ben’s Worst Super Bowl Match-up Ever Preview: Getting in Brady’s Head, What’s a Giants Fan To Do? Go Pats?!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – I am trying to find something to care about in the Worst Super Bowl Match-up Ever.

When I heard about Tom Brady’s hand injury ahead of the AFC Championship Game, it seemed like classic Belichick superfuge. This is a guy who does not use the “probable” designation or give more than a “we’ll see” when asked about the health of his players. No living human thought Brady would miss the game. But then I saw the huge wrap around Brady’s hand to his thumb and guessed it was possible it was legit.

Who’s the other guy?

Getting in Brady’s Head

This all got me thinking. Since it’s hard to picture the GOATs – Belichick -n- Brady – losing a Super Bowl to 2nd year head coach and a backup QB, maybe the Eagles could employ some psych-ops on Coach Bill? You know, get in his head a bit. But that won’t work; the guy is a robot.

But what about Brady? He’s got ice in his veins as well, but he did seem a little weepy when a radio guy from a Boston station insulted his daughter. Even Boston is sick of this guy. Every man has his breaking point and Brady might be close to a meltdown. Here are a few zingers that could push him over the edge.

Hey Brady, compared to Jimmy Garoppolo, you look like Jack Lambert.
Bellichick went 11-5 with Matt Cassel.
-You think he needs you?

Giselle told me you’re rowing a dingy compared to Leonardo’s Titanic.
Will your bratty piss-ant daughter be upset if you lose?

Too much? Ah… it was a contrived premise to make jokes about Brady anyway. You knew that. I’m sure his daughter is a sweetheart. At least there were no deflated ball jokes. Don’t ever do it.

Giselle, before having piss-ants

What’s a Giants Fan to Do?

Choosing between the Eagles and the Patriots is like choosing whether to get bashed in the nuts by a green sledgehammer or a blue one.

The thought of Tom, Bill, and Kraft passing The Lombardi around makes me want to jump rope on a helipad during helicopter rush hour.

But how can I root for Big Blue’s hated rival? This is a fan-base that booed and cursed poor-old 200-year old Millie from Minnesota. It’s not a few bad apples down there, the whole damn orchard is rotten.

I was close to going with Philly… then it dawned on me: The Pats have already cemented their place as the greatest dynasty of all time, along with their place in hell, so what’s one more championship? I can still abuse Philly fans for zero Super Bowl wins and no titles since 1960. I can rest easy knowing the mighty Giants were the only team to beat the Bradys in the Super Bowl… not once but twice. And they spoiled the Pats’ perfect season.

So, here comes a phrase I never thought I’d say, Go Pats.

Give me a minute. That was gross.

Maybe not as gross as when my dog Chief ate a poop filled baby diaper the other day, but still pretty gross.

Anyway, logic says the Pats will win, but the Eagles are plucky. Something tells me they might pull it off.

THIS JUST IN ON MLB: I just saw that the Indians are getting rid of Chief Wahoo in 2019. I guess Cleveland needed one more season to say goodbye to their racist caricature mascot. Good riddance.

Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, that’s something to wahoo about. You can follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About Ben Whitney 333 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.