NEW YORK, NY – With our MeetTheMatts.com Staff of All-World Pundits engaged in a Water-Cooler Cold War over the upcoming NFL Conference Playoffs, we’re doing all we can to hold on as our world gone mad speedily spins precariously on its axis. In this wild-n- whacky, topsy-turvy Age of Also-Rans, we’ve lost all sense of normal. And that’s why we can say, while staring an avalanche of repercussions in the face, that the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl and the New York Mets will win the World Series. Here’s three reasons why:
1) Case Keenum: In what will one day be confused for a Stacy Keach-narrated “real crime” show, Case Closed will be the story of a young drifter-turned-jouneryman-QB solving one of the NFL’s most baffling mysteries; the Minnesota Vikings winning a Super Bowl. As a result, a dead, moribund fan-base rises with glee, led by none other than Happy Ward, who gleefully tosses his Angry Ward persona into the recycle bin… because we know it will be used again.
2) David Wright: “O Captain! My Captain!“ No, he has NOT retired yet! And yes, he’s still somehow the Captain of the New York Mets! But all of the rumors and conjecture surrounding the one-time face of Major League Baseball – a player seen less frequently than a family of Sasquatches on 7 Train – ends here and now. David Wright will return to the diamond in Flushing in 2018, better than ever. Moreover, he win win Comeback Player of the Century (since he hasn’t played since the last one), MVP and the the Triple Crown. (.354, 43 HRs, 139 RBI) He is half of the Dynamic Duo that will lead the Mets to the euphoria of 1986, when D-Wright was a rookie.
3) Matt Harvey: The Stan Laurel to Wright’s Oliver Hardy, The Dark Knight will be climb out of that pit of misery once and for all. He will overcome his demons, dominate his foes and slay the likes of Bryce Harper and Freddy Freeman in every showdown. The Dark Knight’s Fastball Rises will be a “hit” throughout all the land. Matty Harvey will be the 1985 version of Dwight Gooden, leaving even the most grizzled baseball fans gasping. He will win the CY Young Award (24-3, 1.57 ERA, 279 Ks) He will show the way for resurgent staff-mates, Viking staff Noah Syndergaard, the shortly-shorn Jacob deGrom and Zen-finding Zack Wheeler. But denouement will be when The Dark Knight and Captain Wright beat back the Ghosts of Subway Series Past, overcoming the Yankees and their Murderer’s Row [Part Deux] in a thrilling 7-game World Series!
That’s all for now… Please comment below and come back tomorrow for a man that thinks Case Keenum is hot, @JunoirBlaber. You can also find us on Twitter @MeetTheMatts and @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram at @meetthematts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.