BRONX, NY – I’m writing this sure-to-be-gem just a couple of scant hours before kickoff of the massive Monday Night Jets/Browns tilt. I can barely control my excitement, and will do my best to funnel all of my nervous energy into creating a post that you’ll be sure to tell your grandkids about… when you’re looking to punish the little snots. Today it’s about football and movies, but NOT football movies. This “endeavor” involves matching each NFL team with a movie that suits its current situation. As The Cars would say, Let’s Go.
Logan’s Run. Tom Brady and the Patriots have been on an annoyingly long run that needs to be stopped. This Sci-Fi classic never would have let Tom make it past age 30.
Buffalo 66. Why bother grab-bagging for other movies when this Vincent Gallo cult fave perfectly captures the bleak hopelessness of Western New York?
Airport 1975. A 1970s disaster movie, without the star power, that’s the Jets. Critic Pauline Kael called Airport 1975, “cut-rate swill.” That’s the Jets too.
C.H.U.D. The Miami Dolphins are actually sub-C.H.U.D.
The Omega Man. The AFC North is shaping up as a post-pandemic wasteland, and the Baltimore Ravens are the only ones with wheels.
The Sure Thing. The Browns are already proving to be less than a sure thing.
Joe Versus the Volcano. Starring Joe Mixon as Joe and Andy Dalton as the Volcano. I’m not even trying here.
Deliverance. The Steelers 2019 season is shaping up as every bit the lively romp as Burt Reynolds & Company’s cursed canoe trip. And now a #1 pick next year for a Dolphins DB? Squeal like a pig Pittsburgh fans.
They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? All of a sudden Colts fans want to put kicker Adam Vinatieri out of his misery.
Brewster McCloud. Each season the Houston Texans seem just about ready to take off, but they always come crashing down to Earth. This year should be no different. (*Note: I have never seen Brewster McCloud. Need to, though not a huge Robert Altman fan, outside of MASH.)
Close Encounters of the Third Kind. This is definitely the kind of boring-a$$ team that the Mother Ship would bring back home immediately. Nothing to see here! Also, Marcus Mariota makes Richard Dreyfus’s character in Close Encounters look like the model of stability by comparison.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The Jacksonville Jaguars have a lack of stars and owner Shad Khan is going to unleash his wrath by eventually foisting this team on Boris Johnson and London. It will come to be known Jaxit.
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. The Kansas City Chiefs aren’t exactly underdogs, except when you realize that their coach is Andy Reid and they always have to play the Patriots. Patrick Mahomes throws footballs around like dodgeballs, hopefully he can knock New England out this year.
Leaving Las Vegas. Despondent alcoholic goes to Vegas to drink himself to death, hooks up with kindly prostitute but still manages to drink himself to death? Yep, that’s the Raiders all right.
Thunderbolt and Lightfoot. The Chargers always seem to come up light in the kicking department. Not surprisingly, their starting kicker, Mike Badgley has already missed the first 2 games of the season.
Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead. Like Buffalo 66, this one is just low-hanging fruit for this Broncos season.
OK, that’s it for the AFC. Next week, the NFC. Tomorrow it’s Buddy Diaz, who’s favorite movie is Yentl.