HELL – In this world, the Devil doesn’t wear Prada. He wears Mets orange & blue. And down here, the line to get into this very popular nightclub, Eternally Damned,
is rife with the Amazins’ colors, largely for things these doomed denizens did after their failed Flushing purgatory. Case in point, Carlos Iván Beltrán – better known as Carlos Beltran – cheater. Is that, along with today’s headline: Go To Blazes Carlos Beltrán, You Tommy Two Face SOB, too harsh? Maybe for some. It ain’t for me, as I channel my inner Angry Ward and continue my Truth About Beltran campaign, started right here, on November 4th. Guess what? I was right.
IRKSOME
What’s most irksome for us Beltran-Bashers (TM), is not the cheating. Yours truly has admitted repeatedly to all of Mattsville a proclivity for corked bats, not standing on the rubber and obsessing with exposing the other team’s indicator. FYI: Ours is the cup-protected family jewels. Opponents just think you have jock-itch, an ill-fitting cup (something to wish upon rivals) or crabs. They don’t think the key is when you “adjust yourself” in the 3rd base box. So no, Carl, you’re sign-stealing debauchery isn’t what many of us advantage seekers find more infuriating than your playing of the language card (Sammy Sosa & Congress), while you pouted off-camera as the reluctant Mets superstar. No, it’s not that. It’s that you developed a burning desire to win, a need to damn-the-torpedoes and succeed regardless of the cost mentality, AFTER YOU LEFT THE METS. What’s that, Buddy Diaz? You say your Puerto Rican pal wanted to win as Met? Okay. He did. A little. But that want was not nearly as strong as the older, out-of-time Bel-tron iteration. Hell, as a fellow between-the-lines cheater, I’d have been the first to carry him off the field if his cheating led the Metsies past the Cardinals in 2006 and that damn caught-looking curve from Wainright. As Val Kilmer’s Doc Holiday said to Kurt Russell’s Wyatt Earp in Tombstone, “My hypocrisy knows now bounds.”
TOMMY TWO FACE SOB
Seeing people as who they are hasn’t made me rich. In fact, it’s made me annoying – like a poor man’s Larry David. Remember when Bill Clinton first came on the scene? Yours humbly knew he was lying about the women the minute he opened his mouth and sincerely looked straight into camera. My thoughts were, ‘this guy doesn’t really think we’re buying this, does he?‘ Abe Lincoln was famously quoted with this, “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.” What the media outlets failed to hear/report was the rest of that quote. “And oh yeah, you can’t ever fool Short Matt, who really isn’t that short.” Thank you, Honest Abe. [CUT TO CARLOS BELTRAN] With his antics in a Mets uniform the first time around, I knew. He was full of poop and talking (albeit rarely) out of both sides of his mouth… one in fluent English away from the cameras and mics. And he also became Barry Bonds with his shirt off. Remember this:
As the FBI intensifies its probe into the controversial Canadian doctor, that’s exactly where the Mets center fielder finds himself. Beltran confirmed Tuesday that he was interviewed last week by FBI agents and that they asked whether Galea had injected him with HGH.
“He didn’t inject anything with HGH or anything like that,” Beltran said he told the feds. “I have nothing to worry (about), nothing to hide,” he added.
The FBI agents who are questioning star athletes about Galea are focusing on whether the doctor injected the players with the banned performance-enhancing substance, Beltran and his teammate Jose Reyes said.
Beltran joins Reyes on what is a growing list of elite athletes who have been questioned by agents investigating Galea for alleged drug violations, including transporting HGH into the U.S. Reyes was also asked if Galea provided HGH to him.
Mets GM Omar Minaya said Beltran’s visit to Galea’s Toronto office presented no problems to the team. “He said he told a club official before he went up there and I believe him,” said Minaya. “He did notify us, we did know about it.”
Do you believe him now, Omar, or were you just lying too? FBI agents don’t normally come to your door unless they have a reason.
SOLUTION
Okay, so instead of just leaving you disillusioned with humanity and questioning your inability to see a phony when you see one, let’s come up with a fix to the current Mets mess. Management tweeted GM Brodie Van Wagenen the simple fix for this; bring in Edgardo Alfonso. He’s a fan favorite, smart, managed in the bush leagues, can handle NYC and has a tremendous baseball IQ. 
He also lectured the likes of Rey Ordonez on the need for him to stop using an interpreter and learn English while earning millions of American dollars. Fonzie gets it. All of it. Sign him.
And with that, I’ll sign off. Comment below, share with your chums and come back tomorrow for a man who indeed stole signs in high school – but recently gave them back – Cheesy Bruin. He’s also tickled pink to have a failed Cowboy infiltrating the New York Giants. But don’t worry, yours diligently will be all over Jason Garrett.
