Angry Ward Wednesday: Essential WWE, Suzyn Waldman Warbles, and a Gender Reveal No One Asked For

Russell Wilson, Angry_Ward, David Lynch, WWE, Meet_The_Matts

FLORIDA, (JUST FLORIDA) – All bets are off now. Seriously, this post could be a 500,000-word epic or a fortune cookie, what does anyone care? Though I would bet on the latter if I were you. Let’s get to the truly important stuff first.

Florida’s jackass Governor thinks WWE is an essential business. Just soak that the f**k in. Wrestling is essential in Florida. I could rationalize it by saying that maybe it is, because it keeps a whole lotta numb-nuts glued to their recliners rather than out buying guns (another essential business in Florida) or making babies… but that’s not the thinking here. The thinking involves Linda McMahon, millions of dollars, and all of the usual bottom-feeding suspects trying to get our national nightmare re-elected. My advice to Buddy Diaz and other grappling fans? Boycott this sh!t now.

What else do I got. OH! I just found out that Suzyn Waldman sang the National Anthem at Game 7 of the ALCS at Fenway in 1986… in case you were wondering what really spooked the Sox in the World Series that year. Do any of you remember this? I sure as hell didn’t. This is some horrifying David Lynch sh!t. I can’t verify this, but I think the CIA started using Sterling and Waldman audio on terrorists once waterboarding was outlawed.

The curve is starting to flatten… and by that I mean my Doritos-eating curve. This might be because I am currently out of Doritos, but stay tuned for daily updates.

Russell Wilson, Angry_Ward, David Lynch, WWE, Meet_The_Matts

I know we’re all starved for any kind of sports anything, but ESPN just gave Russell Wilson and his wife web airtime for a gender reveal for their third child. I… I… just can’t with this sh!t anymore. Who the hell came up with the idea for “gender reveals” in the first place, and who still thinks that anyone cares about this crap? Don’t get me wrong, congrats on the news and, y’know, that you’ve been having filthy, sweaty, naked-pretzel sex (hopefully), but enough with this attention-grab stupidity. If I’m being too harsh, here’s my apology.

OK, I am done with this for this week. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy that this one routine of mine has not changed a bit. I’m actually thankful… kinda. But, let’s not get carried away. It’s time to piss away the rest of the evening watching reruns of “Carter Country,” “The San Pedro Beach Bums,” or “Rugby Wrap Up.”

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who has always stayed six feet clear of Short Matt.

From The MTM Entertainment Staff:  One guy in this is the Mayor of a municipality carved out in the middle of the night with Denver-city limits. One guy in this has a common-law wife that owns the local strip joint – a cash cow. The guy that is the Mayor and his officials funded a state-of-the-art rugby facility with municipal funds. One guy in this is known by all to the owner of a professional team, just not on paper. One guy and his wife have been at 3 or more owner’s meetings as owners of the pro team. Both guys in this know all the above. Now watch as one guy’s part has his being called “Rugby’s Tiger King.

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About Angry Ward 582 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.