BRONX, NY – Is it my turn already? F**k! (*deep breath*) Okay, I can do this. It’s been a tumultuous last 24 hours, and not just because the world is on fire and idiots are running everything and we’re all gonna die real soon. No, gentle reader, there’s an even greater disturbance in the universe… the New York Mets may finally get sold. I said MAY! We’ve all heard the names bandied about. Steve Cohen, J-Rod and every washed up athlete they can milk for a few bucks, Comet and Cupid and Harris and Blitzer, and, of course, former Mexican Wrestling superstar, “Mystery Bidder.” But now some new names have entered the ring. Let’s take a look at the candidates, shall we?
Flames Nolan. Very little information on this newcomer, other than he’s the flamboyant front-man for some band, has deep pockets, and is looking to dump some other investments he currently has in New York.
Paula and Carole. This powerhouse duo is very much in play for this Mets bid. They proved their mettle on the mean streets of The Magic Garden, in the rough-and-tumble New York of the 1970s. They promise to bring wholesome family entertainment back to Flushing and replace Mr. Met with Sherlock the Squirrel (whaddaya gonna do?). But do not f**k with these two. Behind those smiles and songs, they are all business. The Magic is Back!
Graham-Cruz-Rubio LLC. Otherwise known as Spineless Jellyfish Amalgamated, this ownership group is running under the tagline: “You Thought the Wilpons Were Bad?”
Zan and Jayna. Wonder Twin powers activate! Shape of a brilliant, non-obnoxious businessperson! Form of better urinals at Citi Field! I know Dude would agree that this combo could work, especially if Zan can keep his nose out of it, and occasionally take the form of much better helmet sundaes and less-expensive beers.
Oprah. She’s vowing to replace the Pepsi Party Patrol t-shirt cannon with a Free Car Cannon.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Gotta say, this is the guy we need to be running the Mets. “The Mets are a great team… for me to poop on!” But isn’t this what the Mets have been lacking all these years? No-holds-barred trash talk, vices out the wing-wang, and rampant humping? It’ll be 1986 all over again! Call off the search. This is the guy. I can hear his phone calls with the Commissioner already: “Manfred! The last time I said those words were when they chopped my friend Fred’s balls off.”
That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who’s been banned from every Philadelphia sporting event until 2021… along with everyone else.