Our Kids’ Kids’ Terrifying Future: Mark McGwire, Kanye West, XFL, ST. Louis Blues, Joe Namath?


DENVER, COWhere in the world is Carmen San Diego?  Where’s Waldo?  Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Dude, Where’s my Car?  What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?  Why is San Diego’s mascot a Chicken? Why doesn’t The Chicken wear a Padres uniform?  Why did Payne Stewart’s plane depressurize?  Who let the dogs out? Why didn’t OJ’s glove fit?  How did the Chiefs not win a SB in the 90s despite having won more games than the Cowboys during that time?  Why did Mike Keenan ruin the Blues uniforms and the teams play?  How much did Mark McGuire’s junk shrink in order to hit seventy home runs?  These were the questions of my childhood.  I have better answers for all of these questions than any question facing today’s youth.

Kanye West, Joe_Namath, Meet_The_Matts, Carmen San Diego, Cam James
Today kids have to reckon with really awful questions that have no real answers.  Why is there a runner on second base when the inning just started?  Why aren’t they going to the pen for a Lefty Lefty matchup in the 8th?  Why isn’t the pitcher hitting?  What do we call the Washington Football team?  Why is F1 racing two weeks in a row at the same track?  How did the Simpsons predict the future? Dad, Are you going to vote for Kanye West?  

The last question is, ironically, the most ludicrous and yet the easiest one to answer.  Yes, Vote for Kanye West.  He has a workout plan.  That plan is going to help millions of women around this country pull a rapper, an NBA player or at least a dude with a car.  The song written in 2008 even references face-masks for SARS-like illnesses. He truly is clairvoyant.

Outside of Kanye, I have no answers for these questions which made me think; What are the unanswerable questions our kids kids will have in thirty years? Let’s postulate:
Who is this Michael Jordan guy and why does everyone keep saying he is better than Bronny James the 3rd?
Why do the Marlins play in Quebec where there are no oceans?
Why is CC Sabathia’s grandson getting a shot at the show?  He only throws 95mph which is at least 10mph off league average.
Why haven’t the Knicks won an NBA title since 1973?
What was baseball like back when the defense fielded 9 players instead of 5 and everyone hit 250 instead of 650?
Who is Joe Namath?  How is he still alive and allowed to make public comments about football?
Why isn’t Short Matt in jail for fifty years of unpaid wages to staff?
How did the XFL surpass the NFL in viewership and revenue?
What was life like when everyone thought humans were divine or naturally evolved creatures as opposed to the alien hybrids that we have proven to be?
What was it like to eat meat not cultivated from a petri dish?
Where in the hell is Waldo?

Please leave your comments, rhetorical questions or random thoughts below and come back tomorrow for Short Matt, whom Kanye is considering for VP.

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About the Author ()

Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.

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