Angry Ward Wednesday: The Airing of Grievances Against Aaron Rodgers, the Yankees, Alexis Lafreniere and Others

Aaron Boone, Nick Fotiu, Meet_The_Matts Angry Ward Calhoun, MLB Playoffs

BRONX, NY – We are really flying through this year, thankfully. Among other things, with the recent deaths of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Eddie Van Halen, I’m really starting to worry about our other three-named national treasures like Tommy Lee Jones, Soleil Moon Frye, and F**king Matt McCarthy. Better to focus on something else. Soon, it will be December and time for Festivus. But, before we drag the aluminum pole out of the crawlspace and get to the feats of strength, I’d like to start “The Airing of Grievances.” As Frank Costanza would say, I got a lot of problems with you people!

Aaron Rodgers. Are you kidding me with this guy? The Green Bay Packers have done everything in their stupid Dairyland power to ruin him, but he keeps turning turds into curds. How 13 years of Mike McCarthy didn’t send Rodgers running to a career on the mannequin assembly line is beyond me. He’s firing touchdowns to guys I never heard of, fer crissakes! On Monday night some goober named Robert Tonyan scored three times! Who’s next, Mary Stuart Masterson? There’s no doubt in my mind that this guy finishes his career with almost nothing in the tank and in Minnesota. Kill me now.

The New York Yankees. I’m writing this prior to their second game with Tampa Bay, but we can already see how this is going. The Bombers are getting hot at the right time and the thought of them facing the Astros after JG Clancy’s lousy A’s do their annual Irish Goodbye, is too much to bear. And to my brother, if he’s reading this, thanks a pant-load for pointing out how annoying Aaron Boone is. Now that I’m aware, there’s no escaping it. Boone needs a nickname like “The Creepy Scoutmaster.”

Adam Gase. I truly hate the Jets. It’s well documented. So, no grievances here. I’m liking what I’m seeing. Keep up the stellar work, big guy! Make Woody Johnson proud. Make America Jets Again.

Alexis Lafreniere. The newest New York Ranger has a VERY fancy name. Like Canadian porn star fancy. What gives? I hope it works out, fella. Rangers fans usually prefer players whose names sound like someone just hocked a loogie out onto the tracks at local toilet, Penn Station. Think more Nick Fotiu than Ron Duguay. Bon chance, anyway.

Aaron Boone, Nick Fotiu, Meet_The_Matts Angry Ward Calhoun, MLB Playoffs

Steven Cohen. Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re saving us from the Wilpons… blah, blah, blah. Screw you, hedge fund sh!tbag! We need to get these pleasantries out of the way now, so we can have a normal New York Fan/Owner relationship. The honeymoon period in this type of marriage is the kind of blink-of-an-eye affair that only MTM wives can relate to. Rest assured Mr. Cohen, you will be reviled.

And, with that, I’ll close out the airing of grievances. Feel free to air out some of your own in the comments. I deserve it.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is walking on air with his Yankees and first place Philadelphia Eagles.

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About Angry Ward 556 Articles
Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.