BRONX, NY – This is now the third crack at whatever this week’s post is gonna be. Moments ago, I scrapped a column titled Angry Ward Yankovic Wednesday as, almost 200 words in, I really started hating it. 
How do I feel this week? To quote [Royals fan] Weird Al, “You ain’t fat. You ain’t nothing!” True, on both counts. But I still gotta write something. Let’s get on with it.
Alabama, Get Away! So, as everyone knows by now, Nick Saban’s Alabama Crimson Tide made like the elevators in The Shining and drowned Ohio State Monday night in a sea of blood… or something like that. It was kinda expected, but that didn’t stop thousands of idiots from flooding the streets of Tuscaloosa with #COVID death spray. This year, especially, the expression “act like you’ve been there before” would have been apropos, but you can’t reason with a group that’s bereft of reason.
It’s NOT Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Looks like Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie is looking for a new star for his Philly-based sports sitcom, after canning Doug Pederson. Yep, the coach who just three years ago led Philadelphia to its only Super Bowl title, is now out on the street like Billy Ray Valentine. How’s that for a Philly Special? All sorts of polite deflections are being offered over this sad parting but, let this be a lesson to you kids out there, never ask a bunch of enormous football players to lay down to a hated division rival on the last game (or any game) of the season.
Jobless in Seattle. I’ve brought his ineptitude up several times this season, so the only thing that surprised me about Seahawks’ OC Brian Schottenheimer’s firing, is how long it took. Hoping the Jets do the right thing and make him their new HC before my Vikings make him their next OC.
Puckfest. The NHL season starts tonight. Bold Prediction: My Minnesota Wild will make the playoffs and lose in the first round. I still don’t know why the stupid NHL just won’t make them the North Stars again and make Dallas be like the Dallas Ted Cruzes.
Bill Belichick and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Just a quick word on Patriots coach Bill Belichick saying “thanks, but no thanks” to #MAGA Grand Wizard Donald Trump’s medal offer. Being one of the last rats off the S.S. Combover doesn’t make you a hero, but it saves you from looking like a complete tone-deaf crony. Way to end your season just a little bit better than Doug Pederson. I said A LITTLE.
Cookie Carrasco. I gotta say, I had no idea that new Mets’ acquisition Carlos Carrasco’s nickname was “Cookie.” I think this bodes well for the team, and will once and for all wash away the memory of former third base coach Cookie Rojas. There were probably a few Cookies after that, but I’m fairly certain Bartolo Colon ate them all. And, speaking of famous Cookies, I had the pleasure of speaking on the phone yesterday to our lovely former MTM contributor Cookie, who used to give us her weekly Cookie’s Corner columns. Best part of our conversation was talking about our own Replacement Matt and a night the three of us had drinks at Milano’s Bar, a great old man dive bar if ever there was one, on Houston Street here in NYC. Cookie sends all her best, Dude.
That’s it for me today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is interviewing for the vacant Eagles job. Barring that, there’s a Managing Editor position waiting for him here.
