Angry Ward Wednesday: Buck Showalter, Feed Me Zeke, and other Sports Christmas Gifts

NEW YORK, NY – Christmas is coming, I’m working for Short Matt. Please put a penny in the old man’s hat. Yessiree, Bob, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. While some desperate sports teams are plucking the likes of Antonio Brown and Kyrie Irving off the Island of Athletic Misfit Toys, others can only dream of being that spinally flexible. But, forget about the retreads, let’s see what other holiday goodies Santa has on his sleigh.

Buck Showalter. Okay, okay, so maybe Buck is something of a recycled item himself but, if you’re a Mets fan, you’ll take it. After Brodie Van Wagenen and Luis Rojas, it’s good to see the Mets go a more traditional route with their latest hire. You just know the local tabloids are already dusting off their favorite back page headlines like: WHAT THE BUCK? and BUCKFEST! Hopefully the next hire is George Costanza as Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.

Billy & Spikey. Christmas came early yesterday when Bill de Blasio announced he will be starting a post-mayoral career in ventriloquism. His act, named Billy & Spikey, features the aforementioned 8-foot sack of wet cats de Blasio and everyone’s favorite annoying New York Knicks fan. I haven’t been this excited about a ventriloquist act since Gabbo.

New York Giants Action Figures. Perhaps the hottest toy out there this Christmas, New York Giants Action Figures feature Daniel Jones (now with Fumble-Fu grip!), adjustable-neck Mike Glennon, Stretcher-Prone Saquon Barkley, and Breakout-Year Evan Engram. Dave Gettleman War Room not included.

Sharper Image Aaron Boone Press Conference Sleep Machine. Drift off to glorious slumber listening to everyone’s favorite purse-lipped manager talk about “taking another gut punch,” the “need to play better,” and other assorted “rough outings.”

“Feed Me” Zeke. Kids will love this interactive Baby Ezekiel Elliott doll. He begs you to feed him his non-toxic mush every time he falls down after walking a yard. Way better Tony Pollard doll sold separately.

MLB Lockout. The newest board game from Milton Bradley, MLB Lockout is the game where everyone loses. Own your own team, make billions, pay your players millions and then all sit quiet and do nothing. From 2-30 players.

Okay, I’m gonna wrap this baby up and start wrapping some presents up. Come back tomorrow for Buddy “The Elf” Diaz.

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About Angry Ward 742 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.