FLUSHING, NY – Quick, what’s the worst feeling you can have when you get to MTM HQ on a Wednesday morning? Answer: You suddenly realize Management forgot that Angry Ward was on vacation! Panic. Perspiration. Finger-Pointing. Terror. More Panic. All of it happens repeatedly, sometimes simultaneously, until you remember your breathing exercises. Then you remember that Tom Hanks, Gary Sinise and Kevin Bacon got that Apollo down safely. You can do this. You can land this column in the face of great odds, insurmountable pressure and the one variable that could cause all to disintegrate… You. Are. Out. Of. Coffee. Damn the torpedoes (Little Known Fact: Apollos had torpedoes), full plunge ahead, here is today’s duct-taped strategic menu: Your Patrick Ewing, POTUS Steve Cohen, The Golf Crap.
Your Patrick Ewing
Every fan base has one. The top-notch player that is there every day, every game, does his/her job well, but doesn’t win a championship. You even give him/her/they grief during their stellar career. This is despite their work ethic, dedication and undeniable value. Then he/she/it gets gets traded, injured or retires. BAM!!! The sky crashed down on Chicken Little – and all Knicks’ fans. You all looked at #33 Patrick Ewing in exactly this fashion. It wasn’t until he was gone and that tremendous void at center became so glaring, that you realized what you had. But for a guy named Michael Jordan and a 3-18 performance from John Starks, Patrick Aloysius Ewing would have had multiple championship rings. Angry Ward is our Pat Ewing. He’s here every day, year in, year out. He goes to the hole. [Ahem]. He dishes off assists, makes everyone around him better and thrives on taking the big shot (usually at yours truly and Management). He is not here today, though, and it hurts. Hopefully, two weeks of Florida in the summer – his Purgatory – will have him champing at the bit to come back sooner than later – like Max Scherzer.
POTUS Steve Cohen
“I’m not ruling out anything,” Cohen told The Post about his deadline spending plans. “It would be dumb to rule anything out. You always have to keep your optionality.”
OMG! How facking great is this guy?! Luxury tax, shmuxury tax! George Steinbrenner is smiling proudly some place. And every Met fan is still walking around like the people in Eastern Europe (like Poland) after the respective walls of Communism fell in their countries: suddenly ALWAYS happy. A little lighter in our loafers (no wise cracks!). Life is actually pleasant, fun even. And it looks to be like this for years to come in Flushing. But us Mets fans want to share the wealth. We want all of you to feel this giddy, care-free je ne sais quoi way of life. That’s why we’re proud to announce the formation of a committee to research the plausibility of a Steve Cohen for President campaign. Bill de Blasio WILL NOT be part of this – in any capacity. POTUS Steve Cohen, everyone. You’re welcome.
The Golf Crap
That sounds an awful lot like “Golf Clap” but it ain’t what we’re talkin’ here. Something else is coming from the gallery and it’s not polite applause. There’s this thing called “sportswashing” and it has turned a game built on silence into one in which everybody is talking – barking, even. See, the Saudis, that collection of golf enthusiasts in the Middle East ruled by Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, have this LIV Golf Series that is luring players away from the PGA Tour. They are spending like Steve Cohen to lure big name golfers in their tents. Read this to get some background on the backlash. Right now they have 19 of the top 100 golfers under their banner, including Phil Mickelson and Mr. Paulina Gretzky. Here’s what former Sports Illustrated writer Rick Reilly had to say about it:
“Don’t blink. These are perilous times in golf. The pro game is teetering on the brink of a bloody mess. The Ryder Cup, the majors, even the Masters may never be the same. This Saudi effort to sportswash their murderous human rights record by buying off pro golfers with stupid money (Phil Mickelson: $200M) is working. These players know the Saudis kill journalists, jail dissenters, ‘disappear’ gays, oppress women. And these players have said loud and clear: ‘We Don’t Care. We Want Bigger Jets.’ … I can understand Dustin Johnson ($180M) taking the bait. I’m not sure he knows where Saudi Arabia is, but Phil knew. Phil reads. Phil thinks. And he did it anyway.
And with that swing we’re out. Please leave your thoughts below and come back tomorrow for Mr. Thursday, Buddy Diaz.