NEW YORK, NY – So, here we are on the verge of the official start of autumn, with one sports season making it’s final push towards the playoffs while another is still in its diapers, at just two weeks old. Seems like the perfect time to talk some sh!t about everyone and everything. Let’s get started with a couple of local baseball clubs.
The Yanks. I kinda like calling them this. I don’t know why I don’t do it more often. It’s got a certain self-gratification feel that I often associate with their fans. Aaaanyway, as I’m writing this, I’m surprised to see that the Yanks have yet to clinch a playoff berth. They have 88 wins, fer crissakes! How is this even possible? As Cindy Adams used to say in the NY Post, “Only in New York, kids.” Of course, they’ll make the playoffs. And once there, who knows? What we do know is that their starting rotation stinks worse than the holding pen at the Bronx County Courthouse, they will live and die with the long ball, and Aaron Boone is all pablum north of the eyebrows. Whatever it is, it will be entertaining.
The Mets. Over on the other side of town, the Mets have officially clinched a playoff spot but are still desperately trying to stave off the Braves and win the NL East. How do they plan to accomplish this? Hint: There’s a lot of prayer involved. But seriously, the Mets are not going to let having one of the easiest remaining schedules get in the way of their “making this thing exciting.” No Sirree, Bob (Murphy)! Their current battle plan is scoring runs in bunches late—or scoring no runs at all—and keeping aces deGrom and Scherzer in bubble wrap, like the King Tut tour curiosities that they are. Mets fans know how this movie ends, but that won’t stop them from lining up and paying to see it again. That includes me.
Your Super Bowl LVII Champion Buffalo Bills. Call off the search! Apparently, two games into the season, we have this whole 2022 NFL football thing figured out. The Bills are winning it all. You can go home now. Nothing to see here. At least that’s the way it sounds from the bottomless pit of NFL-knowers squawking nonstop across the sea of ginormous HDTVs that is America. To be clear, the Bills do have a good team, but betting on anything good to happen to Buffalo is like betting that this site is gonna take off. Memo to Bills HC Sean McDermott, you may want to cool it with the designed running plays for talented doofus quarterback, and instead maybe put him in some sort of bullet-proof Pope Mobile offense. Just a thought. Oh, and speaking of bets…
Kirk F**king Cousins. Abbott and Costello once had a routine in a movie where they bet on a horse race, tuned in to the radio to listen to it, and heard this concise call: “They’re off! You lose.” This joke popped into my mind Monday night as I watched numb-nuts Vikings QB Kirk Cousins throw three interceptions en route to zero second half points against the Eagles and pretty much nuke Cam James’ MVP bet on that worthless piece of garbage. I cannot stress this enough, people: Don’t gamble drunk.
J-E-T-S Still Suck, Suck, Suck! Don’t let Gulliver Flacco’s “miracle” victory over hapless Cleveland last Sunday cloud your judgement. The Jets aren’t any good. If they go 1-5 over their next six games, that one win will be their second miracle of the season. And when they get Bob’s Big Boy back at QB, they’ll be worse… if that’s even possible. Go ahead and keep this receipt, Coach Saleh. As long as Woody Johnson owns that team, the Jets will never take off.
Okay, I’m done. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is thinking that maybe Jalen Hurts is a good quarterback after all. *Spoiler Alert* He isn’t.